And whenever I am sad
Simply embrace me
And whenever I get silly
Discreetly ignore it
And whenever I get crazy
Subtly leave it
But whenever I am dead
I beg that you do not kill me
Inside of you
Is it normal to worry as much as I do? Do I read too much in between the lines or am I really seeing something there?
How do you work a relationship for it to be successful? I am completely new to this, and I'm scared beyond belief. How do you keep it from becoming stale to soon, when you've already moved so fast?
How do you act to have yours and your partner's emotions and desires on the same page? And what happens if you're not on the same page? You're not in sync with each other? Does one part always feels like they're lacking something?
Why do things have to become old so fast? Why does the magic die? How do you bring it back?
Very recently I've been feeling like my partner hasn't been answering to my feelings quite in the way I'd like for him to. Maybe almost to a point that shows he cares little for it. So what happens if only one person is putting in the effort to continue building a relationship when things starts to get a little rough?
The last scenario went a bit like this.
I texted him about a concern of mines. He answered that I didn't need to worry about it because he still had it in his heart. I smiled and said I did too. But I just wanted him to understand where I was coming from and how I was feeling about the particular subject - because it's a big deal to me. So I typed two texts on it.
I got no reply.
Later on at night I called to say good night, we usually never go to bed without saying good night. I asked if he had gotten my texts, he said yeah, and that he was gonna reply but that a friend got him distracted so he didn't. His answer when I inquired what he was gonna reply was a simple "I'll call you later". I then asked again - if he had any answer to what I had said earlier. He played he didn't get it and never really answered me. I dropped it for the time being and hung up. Later, already in bed, I decided maybe a positive approach would get him to understand better. I texted that it was discouraging for me to let my feelings out like that and get no answer about the subject, and for him to please think about it. A good fifteen minutes later, the only reply is "I will, love you baby".
Even though the word "love" is incorporated in the sentence, my heart sank. Really? That's all I get?
Well, that's not very encouraging to continue sharing how I feel about stuff, is it?
So, for now, I'll just wait, although knowing him, it is very very likely he'll forget about this altogether and I'll never have my answer.
But how do you keep small stuff like this from balling up and interfering with your relationship? How do you get your partner to understand, in a positive manner, what you need from them to feel satisfied and happy in your togetherness?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Eight Reasons to Pass DREAM Act as a Standalone Bill IMMEDIATELY
http://immigration.change.org/blog/view/8_reasons_to_pass_the_dream_act_as_a_standalone_immediately
Thank you Prerna! I love it so much!!
This article is absolutely right. So many people don't realize the good a bill such as DREAM would bring to this country. People need to be more humane.
AND YES, WE ARE TIRED OF THE STUPID FINGER POINTING GOING ON IN CONGRESS. WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO LOSE OUR YOUTH WAITING FOR GREEDY OLD PEOPLE SITTING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS FINISH THEIR ENDLESS BICKERING SO THAT WE CAN LIVE!!!! WE ARE HUMANS TOO, YOU KNOW!! WE HAVE RIGHTS TOO, YOU KNOW!!
DREAM needs to be a standalone right now. We do not have to wait and lose our youth because of others' mistakes. WE ARE ONLY YOUNG ONCE.
"3. Advancing the DREAM Act breaks the current logjam in Congress and serves as a litmus test.
Dreamers (those eligible for the benefits of the DREAM Act) are tired of the finger-pointing in Congress. One week, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is to blame while another week, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-N.C.) is throwing a tantrum. But the DREAM Act has support across party lines and it can be the starting point of discussion and even the litmus test for other reform."
And this one is for people who are in serious need of reeducation.
"8. Advancing the DREAM Act should teach people about the many ways in which the system does not work, especially for young people.
Most American citizens think that getting legal status is as simple as getting in line. Try telling that to an undocumented youth who waited in line for over 20 years only to "age-out" upon turning 21 and told to go to the back of the line and wait another 15 years (Matter of Wang). It makes little sense, but it happens in thousands of cases: once an immigrant youth turns 21, s/he is no longer considered an immediate relative of her parents and siblings. And once someone is out of status in this country, s/he cannot simply adjust status. For many who want to gain legal residency, the DREAM Act is the only answer that makes sense."
But please read the whole article.
Thank you!
Thank you Prerna! I love it so much!!
This article is absolutely right. So many people don't realize the good a bill such as DREAM would bring to this country. People need to be more humane.
AND YES, WE ARE TIRED OF THE STUPID FINGER POINTING GOING ON IN CONGRESS. WE ARE NOT ABOUT TO LOSE OUR YOUTH WAITING FOR GREEDY OLD PEOPLE SITTING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS FINISH THEIR ENDLESS BICKERING SO THAT WE CAN LIVE!!!! WE ARE HUMANS TOO, YOU KNOW!! WE HAVE RIGHTS TOO, YOU KNOW!!
DREAM needs to be a standalone right now. We do not have to wait and lose our youth because of others' mistakes. WE ARE ONLY YOUNG ONCE.
"3. Advancing the DREAM Act breaks the current logjam in Congress and serves as a litmus test.
Dreamers (those eligible for the benefits of the DREAM Act) are tired of the finger-pointing in Congress. One week, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is to blame while another week, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-N.C.) is throwing a tantrum. But the DREAM Act has support across party lines and it can be the starting point of discussion and even the litmus test for other reform."
And this one is for people who are in serious need of reeducation.
"8. Advancing the DREAM Act should teach people about the many ways in which the system does not work, especially for young people.
Most American citizens think that getting legal status is as simple as getting in line. Try telling that to an undocumented youth who waited in line for over 20 years only to "age-out" upon turning 21 and told to go to the back of the line and wait another 15 years (Matter of Wang). It makes little sense, but it happens in thousands of cases: once an immigrant youth turns 21, s/he is no longer considered an immediate relative of her parents and siblings. And once someone is out of status in this country, s/he cannot simply adjust status. For many who want to gain legal residency, the DREAM Act is the only answer that makes sense."
But please read the whole article.
Thank you!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Deadline
June 24th.
Where do you go now?
Where do you go?
Where does the sun go when the night falls down?...
Where do you go now?
Where do you go?
Where does the sun go when the night falls down?...
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Reason For Sharing
Recently a friend of mines sent me a message saying she's been reading my blog. It made me very happy, so I thanked her. She said she backtracked and read it from the very beginning, my first story, and I can't help but to feel a bit ashamed every time I realize people are reading those things. I warned her it contained some really bad stuff, but she gave me very positive remarks on it. All in all, she told me some very inspiring things, and I felt compelled to share how our conversation went, and the reason I have for sharing my life in such a public place. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded of the reason why, specially when I start feeling bad and doubtful about it.
Let's call her J.C.
J.C.: I started reading from the recent posts, and then I noticed you had more in the beginning. I read your very first posts. There was a lot of intense stuff but it started out as a private blog so I know you had no intentions for everyone to see. Though, a lot of people should see this. "A Collection of Stories from an Undocumented Youth in America". It's as real as it gets when I was reading your blog. Keep posting it up as you write new posts, people do actually read these things when presented to them.
Me: Thank you! I want to make the blog a sort of recollection. You know, report of what I've been going through in life and how things are. I always had my doubts whether people take the time to read it or not. And it worries me that some people might disagree with it and have bad criticism. I got one of those in my first post, although I know it could've been much worse. I'm a bit worried that some people might get angry at me and want to tell me I'm wrong and that my suffering is actually not that much, cuz there's people who have it worse. I've heard that so many times, from so many different people. It's really frustrating. I know that if my blog becomes any more popular than what it is now (and it might), chances are that it's inevitable and I'll get people like that commenting on it.
J.C.: I was thinking about the same thing. About how there's always a critic out there who wants to go against the blogger. I fear that too, it hurts when you're sincere about what you're writing and someone else comes along and tells you "it's not that bad" or they comment about how much they oppose your beliefs. You're not a 12 year old, or a teenager whining about high school drama and how you can't afford tripp pants. You are talking about something in the present that affects your future. I understand some might be trying to help by telling you it's not that bad, but if their intentions are "just disregard the issue", then that right there isn't going to help move anyone forward. The motive you have to succeed comes from what you have gone through and what you are going through now. You can't forget where you are now, and you can't let others forget it either. Despite what people may say or think, you're not the only one going through it and what you believe and going through is the same as a lot of people out there who may in fact have no confidence in speaking out, even through writing. It's a risky thing to blog, especially when the internet is becoming a major thing in our lives. I just want to say, keep continuing, I must admit I'd be terribly scared if it were me, so I don't want you to be scared! Keep posting fillers, statistics, reports, posts on your current situation. Inform us, inspire us to believe in what you believe in.
Thank you, J.C.. I will keep striving to make this blog an inspiration to anyone who opens up to it! And I will most definitely strive to make it as informative as I can. Because after all, my goal IS to share what it is like to live the day to day life of someone who is directly affected by a major issue of this country.
The same way I've been inspired by strong people who strive with either the same things I do, or with something worse, I want to inspire those people too. To keep on fighting, to never give up, to never let anyone put you down. We ARE the next generation, and because of what we've been through, we are STRONGER. We are FIGHTERS. We will make this country a better place, BECAUSE of what we've had to go through.
And I believe in that with all of my being.
God bless all of you!
Let's call her J.C.
J.C.: I started reading from the recent posts, and then I noticed you had more in the beginning. I read your very first posts. There was a lot of intense stuff but it started out as a private blog so I know you had no intentions for everyone to see. Though, a lot of people should see this. "A Collection of Stories from an Undocumented Youth in America". It's as real as it gets when I was reading your blog. Keep posting it up as you write new posts, people do actually read these things when presented to them.
Me: Thank you! I want to make the blog a sort of recollection. You know, report of what I've been going through in life and how things are. I always had my doubts whether people take the time to read it or not. And it worries me that some people might disagree with it and have bad criticism. I got one of those in my first post, although I know it could've been much worse. I'm a bit worried that some people might get angry at me and want to tell me I'm wrong and that my suffering is actually not that much, cuz there's people who have it worse. I've heard that so many times, from so many different people. It's really frustrating. I know that if my blog becomes any more popular than what it is now (and it might), chances are that it's inevitable and I'll get people like that commenting on it.
J.C.: I was thinking about the same thing. About how there's always a critic out there who wants to go against the blogger. I fear that too, it hurts when you're sincere about what you're writing and someone else comes along and tells you "it's not that bad" or they comment about how much they oppose your beliefs. You're not a 12 year old, or a teenager whining about high school drama and how you can't afford tripp pants. You are talking about something in the present that affects your future. I understand some might be trying to help by telling you it's not that bad, but if their intentions are "just disregard the issue", then that right there isn't going to help move anyone forward. The motive you have to succeed comes from what you have gone through and what you are going through now. You can't forget where you are now, and you can't let others forget it either. Despite what people may say or think, you're not the only one going through it and what you believe and going through is the same as a lot of people out there who may in fact have no confidence in speaking out, even through writing. It's a risky thing to blog, especially when the internet is becoming a major thing in our lives. I just want to say, keep continuing, I must admit I'd be terribly scared if it were me, so I don't want you to be scared! Keep posting fillers, statistics, reports, posts on your current situation. Inform us, inspire us to believe in what you believe in.
Thank you, J.C.. I will keep striving to make this blog an inspiration to anyone who opens up to it! And I will most definitely strive to make it as informative as I can. Because after all, my goal IS to share what it is like to live the day to day life of someone who is directly affected by a major issue of this country.
The same way I've been inspired by strong people who strive with either the same things I do, or with something worse, I want to inspire those people too. To keep on fighting, to never give up, to never let anyone put you down. We ARE the next generation, and because of what we've been through, we are STRONGER. We are FIGHTERS. We will make this country a better place, BECAUSE of what we've had to go through.
And I believe in that with all of my being.
God bless all of you!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sixth Story - S.W.E.R., May 1st, temporary happiness, a place to stay, and more worries
Hey everyone.
So, it's been a bit since I last wrote here... I actually didn't write during April at all. I think it's because I was so happy. Well... I still am, LoL... but I figured I could always use some writing. This blog is here to help me with my mind, after all, and everything is always a work in process. I'm a work in process.
I just figured I'd write whenever something of major importance comes around. I also want this blog to be an activism blog. Right now it's more about my own personal life than anything... heh. One has to start somewhere, right? I need to take the time to read more activists' blogs to get the bigger picture of what one should be like.
Now, without much further ado... I'm gonna go ahead and talk about what's happened for the past two months.
Last I wrote here, I was staying at M.'s place. I went straight there when I came back to Orlando the first of March, and the deal was that I could rent out his extra room and stay. All was well and fine, but the office found out I was there, and that I had a dog, so they gave us three days to either pay the pet deposit fee and add me to the lease, or GTFO. And of course I didn't have 300 dollars to pull out of my @$$ in three days for the fee, nor could I even be added to the lease, because they required a social and did a background check - which would reveal my undocumented status. So, it was something that hit me like a truck in full speed - all of a sudden I had three days to find a place to go to, and I was soooo screwed. This was one of those times in life that makes me believe I'm truly being watched and cared for by some unseen force from above. Just a few days before the incident, a friend of mines commented that one of his roommates had gotten a job in Cali and would be staying the next three months there, and was looking for someone to rent his room to, for that time being. I called him as soon as I heard I needed to get out, and within three days I was "moved out" of M.'s place (not that I had much anyways... one lugagge bag and my dog's things, haha). So... it's a house... a nice big one, and I got one of the rooms upstairs, and I wasn't required to pay a pet deposit fee or anything. They have a nice big yard so I was happy about that, cuz Shiloh loves it. And I got a water bed too, haha. It truly fell from heavens, this whole thing. They only asked me for $150 for rent, plus whatever for the utilities. Which is reeeeeally good in the Orlando area. So, I moved in right in the beginning of April, and I love it here sooooo much. For the whole month, I've been feeling so happy and blessed. Just having such a nice place to stay at, it's actually more than I've had most my life... and for the time being, I have everything I need. Enough money for rent, utilities, groceries, Shiloh's needs, and my Capoeira. I graduated, by the way! I passed my test and got my next cord (belt). It was amazing. A great weekend.
But yeah. So, in the beginning of April, I went to a SWER (Students Working for Equal Rights) retreat that I had been invited to, and they cordially asked me to be the leader of an Orlando chapter. Which is really quite an honor! But also a lot of hard work to do. Of course I said yes, because I know they worry about this area. I spent the weekend at Walter Lara's house with the rest of the chapter leaders of SWER from all over Florida, and I got to meet some really amazing people. We did a LOT of planning for many many things to come, and I even got to meet the four walkers from the Trail of Dreams through webcam! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe it. Which brings me to May 1st, which is when they arrived in D.C. from their 1,500 some miles walk from Miami. Many people from SWER went, and I was supposed to go and join them in the rally and civil disobedience that day in D.C., but I got sick and I had no one to take care of my dog for the whole weekend. I was super sad I couldn't go, but I guess it was for the best. Rep. Luis Gutierrez was arrested in the name of the movement, and I can say his act certainly moved me. It's simply incredible to see someone from government fighting so hard for something he believes so much in. If I ever see that man in front of me, I will kiss him. LoL.
After that, not much else has been going on. I've settled down pretty nicely and I'm still enjoying myself as much as I can. Because God knows how long this peace will last. It's something I really don't wanna lose, but for a while, this dark thought has been looming in the back of my head. What do I do to keep this happiness? What do I do to be able to keep fighting for what I believe in? And what's the next step?
I don't wanna be a pessimist. But I think it might be dangerous for me to live in this peaceful bliss without worrying at least a little bit. I've been thinking a lot lately about my place. Where I'm at right now...
David (the guy who left for Cali) is supposedly coming back by the end of June. If he does (which I was told it's very likely), I will find myself without a place in about a month and a half. And that worries me. I don't think I can afford a rent any higher than $300 (if that, I'm being generous), and it's not like I can go out and rent my own place, anyways. Since they always require papers around this area. I've told my roommates I really really REALLY wanna be able to stay here after they re-sign the lease (which is in August), but I don't know how that would go. If David decides he wants to stay in Cali for three more months, that would actually help me out quite a bit. I could at least stay here until August. And then, after that, we still don't know who'd be leaving by then. My roommate downstairs just graduated from UCF and he needs to find a job. He said it'll be improbable for him to find one in this area, so I'm thinking chances are that he'll have to move. If he does, I could rent his room and stay here. My second roommate said he'll stay for another year if more people decide to stay here. As for the third one, and David, I still have no idea. But on the other day I was told that I'd need to sign the lease if I wanted to stay here after August... which is BUUUUUULLSHIIIIIT, and makes me so angry... more worried than angry, but still angry... at the situation, of course... cuz we all know I can't sign a damned lease... they check... plus, they also require proof of income, and there's no way I can give them that, when I can't even get a job legally. So... I'm starting to got really worried about this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. ~sigh~
I've been having some serious thoughts about certain "taboo" subjects, but because of their nature, I don't think it's quite smart to talk about them in a public blog, so for now I'll keep those to myself. It's a shame, cuz I really wish I could write anything I wanted down here, but I'm thinking about the future and it looks like it's things best left alone.
For now, this is all I'm gonna report, because nothing else has really happened, but I just wanted to keep this blog going, you know.
In another note, I finally had the courage to make it completely public. I shared it with all of my friends and some acquaintances, plus I shared it on Facebook. It doesn't look like very many people checked it out, but I'm fine with that. Even though I had the courage to do this, I still can't help but to worry about who's reading all of this. I hope I'll overcome this soon.
On a last note, I wanted to thank everyone and anyone who takes the time to read my posts. Thank you, you guys! Even those of you who don't comment (because that's not really all that important anyways), it really means somethig to me to know that you guys care. <3
Well, I'll just write again whenever I have something more to say.
Ta ta, have a good rest of your weekend!
So, it's been a bit since I last wrote here... I actually didn't write during April at all. I think it's because I was so happy. Well... I still am, LoL... but I figured I could always use some writing. This blog is here to help me with my mind, after all, and everything is always a work in process. I'm a work in process.
I just figured I'd write whenever something of major importance comes around. I also want this blog to be an activism blog. Right now it's more about my own personal life than anything... heh. One has to start somewhere, right? I need to take the time to read more activists' blogs to get the bigger picture of what one should be like.
Now, without much further ado... I'm gonna go ahead and talk about what's happened for the past two months.
Last I wrote here, I was staying at M.'s place. I went straight there when I came back to Orlando the first of March, and the deal was that I could rent out his extra room and stay. All was well and fine, but the office found out I was there, and that I had a dog, so they gave us three days to either pay the pet deposit fee and add me to the lease, or GTFO. And of course I didn't have 300 dollars to pull out of my @$$ in three days for the fee, nor could I even be added to the lease, because they required a social and did a background check - which would reveal my undocumented status. So, it was something that hit me like a truck in full speed - all of a sudden I had three days to find a place to go to, and I was soooo screwed. This was one of those times in life that makes me believe I'm truly being watched and cared for by some unseen force from above. Just a few days before the incident, a friend of mines commented that one of his roommates had gotten a job in Cali and would be staying the next three months there, and was looking for someone to rent his room to, for that time being. I called him as soon as I heard I needed to get out, and within three days I was "moved out" of M.'s place (not that I had much anyways... one lugagge bag and my dog's things, haha). So... it's a house... a nice big one, and I got one of the rooms upstairs, and I wasn't required to pay a pet deposit fee or anything. They have a nice big yard so I was happy about that, cuz Shiloh loves it. And I got a water bed too, haha. It truly fell from heavens, this whole thing. They only asked me for $150 for rent, plus whatever for the utilities. Which is reeeeeally good in the Orlando area. So, I moved in right in the beginning of April, and I love it here sooooo much. For the whole month, I've been feeling so happy and blessed. Just having such a nice place to stay at, it's actually more than I've had most my life... and for the time being, I have everything I need. Enough money for rent, utilities, groceries, Shiloh's needs, and my Capoeira. I graduated, by the way! I passed my test and got my next cord (belt). It was amazing. A great weekend.
But yeah. So, in the beginning of April, I went to a SWER (Students Working for Equal Rights) retreat that I had been invited to, and they cordially asked me to be the leader of an Orlando chapter. Which is really quite an honor! But also a lot of hard work to do. Of course I said yes, because I know they worry about this area. I spent the weekend at Walter Lara's house with the rest of the chapter leaders of SWER from all over Florida, and I got to meet some really amazing people. We did a LOT of planning for many many things to come, and I even got to meet the four walkers from the Trail of Dreams through webcam! I was so thrilled, I couldn't believe it. Which brings me to May 1st, which is when they arrived in D.C. from their 1,500 some miles walk from Miami. Many people from SWER went, and I was supposed to go and join them in the rally and civil disobedience that day in D.C., but I got sick and I had no one to take care of my dog for the whole weekend. I was super sad I couldn't go, but I guess it was for the best. Rep. Luis Gutierrez was arrested in the name of the movement, and I can say his act certainly moved me. It's simply incredible to see someone from government fighting so hard for something he believes so much in. If I ever see that man in front of me, I will kiss him. LoL.
After that, not much else has been going on. I've settled down pretty nicely and I'm still enjoying myself as much as I can. Because God knows how long this peace will last. It's something I really don't wanna lose, but for a while, this dark thought has been looming in the back of my head. What do I do to keep this happiness? What do I do to be able to keep fighting for what I believe in? And what's the next step?
I don't wanna be a pessimist. But I think it might be dangerous for me to live in this peaceful bliss without worrying at least a little bit. I've been thinking a lot lately about my place. Where I'm at right now...
David (the guy who left for Cali) is supposedly coming back by the end of June. If he does (which I was told it's very likely), I will find myself without a place in about a month and a half. And that worries me. I don't think I can afford a rent any higher than $300 (if that, I'm being generous), and it's not like I can go out and rent my own place, anyways. Since they always require papers around this area. I've told my roommates I really really REALLY wanna be able to stay here after they re-sign the lease (which is in August), but I don't know how that would go. If David decides he wants to stay in Cali for three more months, that would actually help me out quite a bit. I could at least stay here until August. And then, after that, we still don't know who'd be leaving by then. My roommate downstairs just graduated from UCF and he needs to find a job. He said it'll be improbable for him to find one in this area, so I'm thinking chances are that he'll have to move. If he does, I could rent his room and stay here. My second roommate said he'll stay for another year if more people decide to stay here. As for the third one, and David, I still have no idea. But on the other day I was told that I'd need to sign the lease if I wanted to stay here after August... which is BUUUUUULLSHIIIIIT, and makes me so angry... more worried than angry, but still angry... at the situation, of course... cuz we all know I can't sign a damned lease... they check... plus, they also require proof of income, and there's no way I can give them that, when I can't even get a job legally. So... I'm starting to got really worried about this. I don't know what I'm gonna do. ~sigh~
I've been having some serious thoughts about certain "taboo" subjects, but because of their nature, I don't think it's quite smart to talk about them in a public blog, so for now I'll keep those to myself. It's a shame, cuz I really wish I could write anything I wanted down here, but I'm thinking about the future and it looks like it's things best left alone.
For now, this is all I'm gonna report, because nothing else has really happened, but I just wanted to keep this blog going, you know.
In another note, I finally had the courage to make it completely public. I shared it with all of my friends and some acquaintances, plus I shared it on Facebook. It doesn't look like very many people checked it out, but I'm fine with that. Even though I had the courage to do this, I still can't help but to worry about who's reading all of this. I hope I'll overcome this soon.
On a last note, I wanted to thank everyone and anyone who takes the time to read my posts. Thank you, you guys! Even those of you who don't comment (because that's not really all that important anyways), it really means somethig to me to know that you guys care. <3
Well, I'll just write again whenever I have something more to say.
Ta ta, have a good rest of your weekend!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Top 10 Myths About Immigration
Now, this should certainly clear up some differences and confusion... if only enough people would actually take the time to read up on it.
Also, about the very last link on this... for those of you who think of immigrants as "big bad guys/bullies/thieves/whatever", how do you presume immigrants' countries BECAME so bad that the people there needed to seek a new home? Or are you really naive enough to think that your "perfect" America didn't have a finger in it? That they didn't use shameless exploitation to destroy peoples' lives so that they became desperate enough and HAD NO OTHER CHOICE than to seek refuge somewhere else?
Think about it. And, while you're at it - do us all a favor and read up on your history.
1. Immigrants don't pay taxes.
Immigrants pay taxes, in the form of income, property, sales, and taxes at the federal and state level. As far as income tax payments go, sources vary in their accounts, but a range of studies find that immigrants pay between $90 and $140 billion a year in federal, state, and local taxes. Undocumented immigrants pay income taxes as well, as evidenced by the Social Security Administration's "suspense file" (taxes that cannot be matched to workers' names and social security numbers), which grew by $20 billion between 1990 and 1998.
(Source: http://www.immigrationforum.org/about/articles/tax_study.htm)
2. Immigrants come here to take welfare.
Immigrants come to work and reunite with family members. Immigrant labor force participation is consistently higher than native-born, and immigrant workers make up a larger share of the U.S. labor force (12.4%) than they do the U.S. population (11.5%). Moreover, the ratio between immigrant use of public benefits and the amount of taxes they pay is consistently favorable to the U.S. In one estimate, immigrants earn about $240 billion a year, pay about $90 billion a year in taxes, and use about $5 billion in public benefits. In another cut of the data, immigrant tax payments total $20 to $30 billion more than the amount of government services they use.
(Source: "Questioning Immigration Policy - Can We Afford to Open Our Arms?", Friends Committee on National Legislation Document #G-606-DOM, January 25, 1996. http:www.fas.org/pub/gen/fcnl/immigra.html)
3. Immigrants send all their money back to their home countries.
In addition to the consumer spending of immigrant households, immigrants and their businesses contribute $162 billion in tax revenue to U.S. federal, state, and local governments. While it is true that immigrants remit billions of dollars a year to their home countries, this is one of the most targeted and effective forms of direct foreign investment.
(Source: http://www.cato.org/research/articles/griswold-020218.html)
4. Immigrants take jobs and opportunity away from Americans.
The largest wave of immigration to the U.S. since the early 1900s coincided with our lowest national unemployment rate and fastest economic growth. Immigrant entrepreneurs create jobs for U.S. and foreign workers, and foreign-born students allow many U.S. graduate programs to keep their doors open. While there has been no comprehensive study done of immigrant-owned businesses, we have countless examples: in Silicon Valley, companies begun by Chinese and Indian immigrants generated more than $19.5 billion in sales and nearly 73,000 jobs in 2000.
(Source: Richard Vedder, Lowell Gallaway, and Stephen Moore, Immigration and Unemployment: New Evidence, Alexis de Tocqueville Institution, Arlington, VA (Mar. 1994), p. 13.)
5. Immigrants are a drain on the U.S. economy.
During the 1990s, half of all new workers were foreign-born, filling gaps left by native-born workers in both the high- and low-skill ends of the spectrum. Immigrants fill jobs in key sectors, start their own businesses, and contribute to a thriving economy. The net benefit of immigration to the U.S. is nearly $10 billion annually. As Alan Greenspan points out, 70% of immigrants arrive in prime working age. That means we haven't spent a penny on their education, yet they are transplanted into our workforce and will contribute $500 billion toward our social security system over the next 20 years.
(Source: Andrew Sum, Mykhaylo Trubskyy, Ishwar Khatiwada, et al., Immigrant Workers in the New England Labor Market: Implications for Workforce Development Policy, Center for Labor Market Studies, Northeastern University, Boston, Prepared for the New England Regional Office, the Employment and Training Administration, and the U.S. Department of Labor, Boston, Massachusetts, October 2002. http://www.nupr.neu.edu/11-02/immigration.PDF)
6. Immigrants don't want to learn English or become Americans.
Within ten years of arrival, more than 75% of immigrants speak English well; moreover, demand for English classes at the adult level far exceeds supply. Greater than 33% of immigrants are naturalized citizens; given increased immigration in the 1990s, this figure will rise as more legal permanent residents become eligible for naturalization in the coming years. The number of immigrants naturalizing spiked sharply after two events: enactment of immigration and welfare reform laws in 1996, and the terrorist attacks in 2001.
(Source: American Immigration Lawyers Association, Myths & Facts in the Immigration Debate", 8/14/03. http://www.aila.org/contentViewer.aspx?bc=17,142#section4)
(Source: Simon Romero and Janet Elder, "Hispanics in the US Report Optimism" New York Times, Aug. 6, 2003)
7. Today's immigrants are different than those of 100 years ago.
The percentage of the U.S. population that is foreign-born now stands at 11.5%; in the early 20th century it was approximately 15%. Similar to accusations about today's immigrants, those of 100 years ago initially often settled in mono-ethnic neighborhoods, spoke their native languages, and built up newspapers and businesses that catered to their fellow émigrés. They also experienced the same types of discrimination that today's immigrants face, and integrated within American culture at a similar rate. If we view history objectively, we remember that every new wave of immigrants has been met with suspicion and doubt and yet, ultimately, every past wave of immigrants has been vindicated and saluted.
(Source: Census Data: http://www.census.gov/prod/2002pubs/censr-4.pdf)
8. Most immigrants cross the border illegally.
Around 75% of today's immigrants have legal permanent (immigrant) visas; of the 25% that are undocumented, 40% overstayed temporary (non-immigrant) visas.
(Source: Department of Homeland Security http://uscis.gov/graphics/shared/statistics/index.htm)
9. Weak U.S. border enforcement has led to high undocumented immigration.
From 1986 to 1998, the Border Patrol's budget increased six-fold and the number of agents stationed on our southwest border doubled to 8,500. The Border Patrol also toughened its enforcement strategy, heavily fortifying typical urban entry points and pushing migrants into dangerous desert areas, in hopes of deterring crossings. Instead, the undocumented immigrant population doubled in that timeframe, to 8 million-despite the legalization of nearly 3 million immigrants after the enactment of the Immigration Reform and Control Act in 1986. Insufficient legal avenues for immigrants to enter the U.S., compared with the number of jobs in need of workers, has significantly contributed to this current conundrum.
(Source: Immigration and Naturalization website:http://www.ncjrs.org/ondcppubs/publications/enforce/border/ins_3.html)
10. The war on terrorism can be won through immigration restrictions.
No security expert since September 11th, 2001 has said that restrictive immigration measures would have prevented the terrorist attacks-instead, the key is effective use of good intelligence. Most of the 9/11 hijackers were here on legal visas. Since 9/11, the myriad of measures targeting immigrants in the name of national security have netted no terrorism prosecutions. In fact, several of these measures could have the opposite effect and actually make us less safe, as targeted communities of immigrants are afraid to come forward with information.
(Source: Associated Press/Dow Jones Newswires, "US Senate Subcommittee Hears Immigration Testimony", Oct. 17, 2001.)
(Source: Cato Institute: "Don't Blame Immigrants for Terrorism", Daniel Griswold, Assoc. Director of Cato Institute's Center for Trade Policy Studies http://www.cato.org/dailys/10-23-01.html)
Now, a very good article that tackles immigration from a different angle...
http://www.alternet.org/vision/146779/they%27re_not_illegal,_they%27re_heroes:_why_immigrants_are_right_to_chase_the_american_dream?page=entire
Also, about the very last link on this... for those of you who think of immigrants as "big bad guys/bullies/thieves/whatever", how do you presume immigrants' countries BECAME so bad that the people there needed to seek a new home? Or are you really naive enough to think that your "perfect" America didn't have a finger in it? That they didn't use shameless exploitation to destroy peoples' lives so that they became desperate enough and HAD NO OTHER CHOICE than to seek refuge somewhere else?
Think about it. And, while you're at it - do us all a favor and read up on your history.
1. Immigrants don't pay taxes.
Immigrants pay taxes, in the form of income, property, sales, and taxes at the federal and state level. As far as income tax payments go, sources vary in their accounts, but a range of studies find that immigrants pay between $90 and $140 billion a year in federal, state, and local taxes. Undocumented immigrants pay income taxes as well, as evidenced by the Social Security Administration's "suspense file" (taxes that cannot be matched to workers' names and social security numbers), which grew by $20 billion between 1990 and 1998.
(Source: http://www.immigrationforum.org/about/articles/tax_study.htm)
2. Immigrants come here to take welfare.
Immigrants come to work and reunite with family members. Immigrant labor force participation is consistently higher than native-born, and immigrant workers make up a larger share of the U.S. labor force (12.4%) than they do the U.S. population (11.5%). Moreover, the ratio between immigrant use of public benefits and the amount of taxes they pay is consistently favorable to the U.S. In one estimate, immigrants earn about $240 billion a year, pay about $90 billion a year in taxes, and use about $5 billion in public benefits. In another cut of the data, immigrant tax payments total $20 to $30 billion more than the amount of government services they use.
(Source: "Questioning Immigration Policy - Can We Afford to Open Our Arms?", Friends Committee on National Legislation Document #G-606-DOM, January 25, 1996. http:www.fas.org/pub/gen/fcnl/immigra.html)
3. Immigrants send all their money back to their home countries.
In addition to the consumer spending of immigrant households, immigrants and their businesses contribute $162 billion in tax revenue to U.S. federal, state, and local governments. While it is true that immigrants remit billions of dollars a year to their home countries, this is one of the most targeted and effective forms of direct foreign investment.
(Source: http://www.cato.org/research/articles/griswold-020218.html)
4. Immigrants take jobs and opportunity away from Americans.
The largest wave of immigration to the U.S. since the early 1900s coincided with our lowest national unemployment rate and fastest economic growth. Immigrant entrepreneurs create jobs for U.S. and foreign workers, and foreign-born students allow many U.S. graduate programs to keep their doors open. While there has been no comprehensive study done of immigrant-owned businesses, we have countless examples: in Silicon Valley, companies begun by Chinese and Indian immigrants generated more than $19.5 billion in sales and nearly 73,000 jobs in 2000.
(Source: Richard Vedder, Lowell Gallaway, and Stephen Moore, Immigration and Unemployment: New Evidence, Alexis de Tocqueville Institution, Arlington, VA (Mar. 1994), p. 13.)
5. Immigrants are a drain on the U.S. economy.
During the 1990s, half of all new workers were foreign-born, filling gaps left by native-born workers in both the high- and low-skill ends of the spectrum. Immigrants fill jobs in key sectors, start their own businesses, and contribute to a thriving economy. The net benefit of immigration to the U.S. is nearly $10 billion annually. As Alan Greenspan points out, 70% of immigrants arrive in prime working age. That means we haven't spent a penny on their education, yet they are transplanted into our workforce and will contribute $500 billion toward our social security system over the next 20 years.
(Source: Andrew Sum, Mykhaylo Trubskyy, Ishwar Khatiwada, et al., Immigrant Workers in the New England Labor Market: Implications for Workforce Development Policy, Center for Labor Market Studies, Northeastern University, Boston, Prepared for the New England Regional Office, the Employment and Training Administration, and the U.S. Department of Labor, Boston, Massachusetts, October 2002. http://www.nupr.neu.edu/11-02/immigration.PDF)
6. Immigrants don't want to learn English or become Americans.
Within ten years of arrival, more than 75% of immigrants speak English well; moreover, demand for English classes at the adult level far exceeds supply. Greater than 33% of immigrants are naturalized citizens; given increased immigration in the 1990s, this figure will rise as more legal permanent residents become eligible for naturalization in the coming years. The number of immigrants naturalizing spiked sharply after two events: enactment of immigration and welfare reform laws in 1996, and the terrorist attacks in 2001.
(Source: American Immigration Lawyers Association, Myths & Facts in the Immigration Debate", 8/14/03. http://www.aila.org/contentViewer.aspx?bc=17,142#section4)
(Source: Simon Romero and Janet Elder, "Hispanics in the US Report Optimism" New York Times, Aug. 6, 2003)
7. Today's immigrants are different than those of 100 years ago.
The percentage of the U.S. population that is foreign-born now stands at 11.5%; in the early 20th century it was approximately 15%. Similar to accusations about today's immigrants, those of 100 years ago initially often settled in mono-ethnic neighborhoods, spoke their native languages, and built up newspapers and businesses that catered to their fellow émigrés. They also experienced the same types of discrimination that today's immigrants face, and integrated within American culture at a similar rate. If we view history objectively, we remember that every new wave of immigrants has been met with suspicion and doubt and yet, ultimately, every past wave of immigrants has been vindicated and saluted.
(Source: Census Data: http://www.census.gov/prod/2002pubs/censr-4.pdf)
8. Most immigrants cross the border illegally.
Around 75% of today's immigrants have legal permanent (immigrant) visas; of the 25% that are undocumented, 40% overstayed temporary (non-immigrant) visas.
(Source: Department of Homeland Security http://uscis.gov/graphics/shared/statistics/index.htm)
9. Weak U.S. border enforcement has led to high undocumented immigration.
From 1986 to 1998, the Border Patrol's budget increased six-fold and the number of agents stationed on our southwest border doubled to 8,500. The Border Patrol also toughened its enforcement strategy, heavily fortifying typical urban entry points and pushing migrants into dangerous desert areas, in hopes of deterring crossings. Instead, the undocumented immigrant population doubled in that timeframe, to 8 million-despite the legalization of nearly 3 million immigrants after the enactment of the Immigration Reform and Control Act in 1986. Insufficient legal avenues for immigrants to enter the U.S., compared with the number of jobs in need of workers, has significantly contributed to this current conundrum.
(Source: Immigration and Naturalization website:http://www.ncjrs.org/ondcppubs/publications/enforce/border/ins_3.html)
10. The war on terrorism can be won through immigration restrictions.
No security expert since September 11th, 2001 has said that restrictive immigration measures would have prevented the terrorist attacks-instead, the key is effective use of good intelligence. Most of the 9/11 hijackers were here on legal visas. Since 9/11, the myriad of measures targeting immigrants in the name of national security have netted no terrorism prosecutions. In fact, several of these measures could have the opposite effect and actually make us less safe, as targeted communities of immigrants are afraid to come forward with information.
(Source: Associated Press/Dow Jones Newswires, "US Senate Subcommittee Hears Immigration Testimony", Oct. 17, 2001.)
(Source: Cato Institute: "Don't Blame Immigrants for Terrorism", Daniel Griswold, Assoc. Director of Cato Institute's Center for Trade Policy Studies http://www.cato.org/dailys/10-23-01.html)
Now, a very good article that tackles immigration from a different angle...
http://www.alternet.org/vision/146779/they%27re_not_illegal,_they%27re_heroes:_why_immigrants_are_right_to_chase_the_american_dream?page=entire
Monday, May 10, 2010
Filler - Desperate Action
A Brazilian 19-year-old commits suicide over his undocumented status in this country.
I'm not afraid to say it here that I cried while reading this article. This guy's story is my own. His complaints and pains are my own. His drives are my own.
And at one point, in a creepily recent past, his end could've been my own as well.
http://www.boston.com/news/education/k_12/articles/2010/05/10/many_blame_immigration_pressures_for_young_mans_suicide/?page=1
I'm not afraid to say it here that I cried while reading this article. This guy's story is my own. His complaints and pains are my own. His drives are my own.
And at one point, in a creepily recent past, his end could've been my own as well.
http://www.boston.com/news/education/k_12/articles/2010/05/10/many_blame_immigration_pressures_for_young_mans_suicide/?page=1
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Fifth Story - March For Reform, Health Care Victory, more Activism, and endless worries
Hey ya'll! Great to be writing here again. I actually had the whole day to stay at home today and it feels sorta awkward now that I've started getting used to the whole busy life again. But I figured I'd use the time wisely, so before I came to write here I was washing some clothes, making my resume online, applying for some more jobs through craigslist, and checking my e-mail for important and relevant stuff. Without much more ado, let's go into the important things.
This past Friday we had an event here in downtown Orlando, at Lake Eola, for the DREAM Act, and we had lots of people coming from all over Florida, mostly from down South, so it was quite good. I wouldn't say it made much of an impact, specially since we ran late and didn't have time to go to Lemieux's office, but it was a great personal experience for me and I feel like I got to learn a lot from it. It was also very encouraging for all of us who were there. We had great speakers, one of my favorites was Jai, this absolutely amazing girl from Haiti, who made us all have tears in our eyes by the end of her speech. I was also one of the speakers, although I read straight from the paper I had written on, it was my first speech and all. I was shaking real bad because I was so nervous, but I managed to keep my voice steady, loud, and clear. I'm still working on getting my hands on the videos people filmed of the event, including my speech, but while that doesn't happen, I'll go ahead and share with you guys what I said in my speech. It's not nearly as powerful as actually listening to it being delivered, I must warn you. This is a slightly modified version of it, I had to change bits and pieces so it could be posted on the DreamActivist website, but it's not by much at all.
Alright... so the day after that was when we left from Orlando into our DC trip. It was roughly fifteen hours inside the bus, we passed by Georgia, South & North Carolina, Virginia, etc, until we made it into the District of Columbia at around 6am on Sunday. The rally didn't start until around 2pm so my friends and I couldn't help but go sightseeing a little bit. We saw the Washington Monument, the White House, the Capitol Hill, the Smithsonian Institute & the Museum, and walked around a ton. Bunches of pictures. At the rally, I got frustrated because it was mainly held in Spanish, and they didn't even bother to translate it. I was angry because, being in the middle of all those people (news have been saying it was 200 thousand plus people, and I believe it), I tired of seeing different racial groups, such as Asians, and plenty of Americans, and otherwise other kinds of people who couldn't understand jack diddly of what was being said. I thought it was horribly selfish and unfair of them to hold a National Rally demanding immigration reform, and treat it like the only immigrants in this country are Latinos. It got my blood boiling. I don't care what others tell me, I think that if you wanna come into this country, and demand your rights to live here and call this home, you better start making plans of calling English your language, too. It doesn't make sense, to me. You're protesting something, hoping it makes its way to Congress, hoping it reaches the already hard-heads up in government, and you do it all in a language most of them can't comprehend? Real smooth. Morons.
Because of that reason, I ended up not paying attention to most of what was going on. I tuned in when they showed the video clip of Obama speaking, and the one with the Trail of Dreams kids. I was a bit frustrated about the speech Obama made, too, because right now I feel like he only makes these pretty speeches to the Latino communities and the groups that support immigration reform. But when it came down to business, like for example in the State of the Union Speech, he completely ignored the issue. He's only supportive when it's in front of us. Behind our backs, he acts like immigration is not a pressing issue at all. So I got angry when people started cheering to what he said and shit. I called it a lie. Because that's what it seems like to me. I'll start seeing it as the truth when I start seeing something being done about it.
Finally, the actual march was delayed by about an hour, so we didn't walk much with them, since our bus captain was throwing a fit about us being back by the parking lot on time. I also heard that the whole thing didn't really make it to national television, which was a bummer, but I guess it has its good sides, too. Maybe we don't need THAT much coverage right about now. Don't want to attract anti-immigration groups' attentions and such.
The other issue I was gonna talk about was Leslie, the Miami Dade 18-year-old girl who was detained for no effing reason at all. But I heard from a source that she was already let go (as of today, I do believe), so for right now we can celebrate, but I doubt that her case is over. Just like Walter Lara's. (OH by the way, I met him too!! I got pictures with him and such, he came to the Orlando event, it was great <3)
Just for the record, though, here's Leslie's story.
Well, I think that for activism and events concerning CIR and DREAM, that's about it. This week seems to finally be slow for me, which gives me a chance to recharge, and go job hunting. I'm super worried about money lately. This is when the ugly side of me starts to come out, so if you wanna stop reading here, feel free.
My family is so incompetent, I fully blame them for the position that I am in right now. I have to pay 250 dollars rent by April 1st, but I only have 18 dollars in my bank account right now. My wisdom teeth surgery was close to 600 dollars, I still need those braces, my sister still owes me almost 300. Ever since I left that horrid place and the company of the people who call themselves my family, I've had to spend the rest of the money I had saved up, for necessary things, like groceries. I've been holding on to as much as possible, but being undocumented and not being able to legally find a job, employment has been almost impossible here in this city, also for the fact I don't have a reliable means of transport, therefore leading to me having absolutely no idea how I'm gonna find the 250 dollars for rent in about a week. *major sigh*
I even got some calls back from some jobs I've applied to, but I wasn't able to get to any of them due to buses not going that far, or not having a ride, etc. I still need to make some calls for some odd jobs I'm supposed to be doing. Hey, right now, anything will have to do. I barely have money for food, and it's incredible that it's taken me having to write that sentence down to go through my head how difficult things really are for me right now.
I got a phone call just about an hour ago, it was my aunt from Portugal. We talked a bit on the phone, and when I told her I only had 18 dollars in my pocket, she said she's gonna send me $100 dollars. Of course I accepted it, since I really really really need it right now, but of course I had to hear some guilt tripping and bitching in exchange for it. I don't wanna go into much detail about it right now, I'll just say that I don't trust her and that's about it. I need the money, I'm grateful for it, it shows that God is watching out for me and that by His will I will never be left without a roof over my head or my daily bread. It's little by little that we get things accomplished. And if it means I have something better waiting for me in my future, I am quite willing to go through this right now. I know the war is hardly over, but I just try to keep myself going every day by repeating in my head, the night is always at its darkest right before the dawn. It's true.
Lately I've been having some communication problems with my friends. I know some of them are not happy with me at all. I know I've done some things wrong. I know I can seem cold and uncaring at times. It's just so hard to have to take care of all of this at the same time, and I'm just one person. I do have a lot going on in my mind. I haven't spoken to two of my dearest friends ever since they dropped me off in Orlando, and I know that they feel like I'm being ungrateful. They probably don't read this blog anymore, so I don't know if it makes much difference to write here. But they haven't answered my texts or phone calls, so I guess all I can do right now is wait for the dust to come down and try to talk to them later on.
Also another thing that has me worried is my step dad. I don't recall if I mentioned him here in this blog before, but before I came back to Orlando, he had an accident at work, got electrocuted, spent three days in a hospital, and because of some stupidity by his boss and the insurance company, he was sent to court - because he doesn't have papers and isn't supposed to be working in the country. The last I heard of him, he had just gotten out of court and there was a chance he might've been sent deported. Ever since then, he disconnected his phone line, and I tried sending him e-mails and such, but he hasn't answered them. I haven't heard from him since. So that's definitely something that's been on my mind, since I have absolutely no idea where he's at, who he's with, or what's happened to him... sigh. I hope he contacts me soon. It's just so much to worry about.
So, the one last thing I have swimming in my head to write down here would be that I'm still scared to share this blog in public, and to my friends and acquaintances. I mean, it sounds silly if you think that I've already said I'm undocumented in public, in the middle of Lake Eola, but it's still a very vivid fear. I guess because this blog has so many more personal things. I was contemplating the idea of posting the link to this blog on Facebook, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet.
Well, for now, that seems about it! Whew. It was a lot, wasn't it. I guess I got you guys all caught up now. It's good to have some free time. Now I need to get back to my job hunting, and I'll post again when something more happens and when I get a chance to be on a computer again.
Thanks to everyone who's read all this. See ya!
This past Friday we had an event here in downtown Orlando, at Lake Eola, for the DREAM Act, and we had lots of people coming from all over Florida, mostly from down South, so it was quite good. I wouldn't say it made much of an impact, specially since we ran late and didn't have time to go to Lemieux's office, but it was a great personal experience for me and I feel like I got to learn a lot from it. It was also very encouraging for all of us who were there. We had great speakers, one of my favorites was Jai, this absolutely amazing girl from Haiti, who made us all have tears in our eyes by the end of her speech. I was also one of the speakers, although I read straight from the paper I had written on, it was my first speech and all. I was shaking real bad because I was so nervous, but I managed to keep my voice steady, loud, and clear. I'm still working on getting my hands on the videos people filmed of the event, including my speech, but while that doesn't happen, I'll go ahead and share with you guys what I said in my speech. It's not nearly as powerful as actually listening to it being delivered, I must warn you. This is a slightly modified version of it, I had to change bits and pieces so it could be posted on the DreamActivist website, but it's not by much at all.
My name is Belle, I am 20 years old, and I am a DREAM Act beneficiary. I am originally from Brazil, and I first came to live in the United States when I was 13 years old. Because of family matters, I have not been able to go back ever since, and have been living with friends and roommates since I was 19, up to that point staying with my step father. My family is mostly all still in Brazil, they're incapable and thus won't help support me. I am proud to say I've always been a very good student, getting my GPA as high as 3.5. Around the time I found out about my situation, I lost hope because I saw no future for me, and that took a toll on my studies and my GPA went drastically down, but I was still able to graduate with honors and recommendation letters.
Living here since the beginning of my teenage years and having very little contact with the culture I am originally from, I act, speak, think, and feel much more like an American. I am proud to call this country my home, and English my language. I grew up here, learned how to be an adult here, and how to fight from my DREAMS here. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't called this place my home and gone through what I have been through.
Right now my plans of going to college might be delayed, but I still have every intent of achieving that goal and getting my 4-year degree towards becoming a Psychologist. I want to do that because I believe there are a lot of people that need to be heard and helped. I want to help as many people as possible, so they won't have to go through something similar to what I went through alone. Someone's mental state is not something to be ignored. I want to be able to give back to the society which I call my own.
My opinion is that the DREAM Act should be passed for several reasons. It will greatly benefit both sides of this equation. We have these bright young people who are in this horrible situation through no fault of their own, who are incredibly capable and talented, but right now all that talent is going to waste. These people are Americans for all intent and purposes. The DREAM Act needs to be passed NOW.
We are stuck in time. Life's at a standstill. For most of us, there is NO way out. We need to stand up and fight to stop this reign of terror against completely innocent people who have never committed a crime in their lives. People who have only worked hard for their hopes, dreams, and aspirations, and can never be recognized for it. Each person here, each voice, each action, is crucial in this fight for human rights. This is the right thing to do. In the end, the difference will still be YOU. We are not backing down, we are not giving up. I know I am not. Because I... I have the heart of a lion.
Alright... so the day after that was when we left from Orlando into our DC trip. It was roughly fifteen hours inside the bus, we passed by Georgia, South & North Carolina, Virginia, etc, until we made it into the District of Columbia at around 6am on Sunday. The rally didn't start until around 2pm so my friends and I couldn't help but go sightseeing a little bit. We saw the Washington Monument, the White House, the Capitol Hill, the Smithsonian Institute & the Museum, and walked around a ton. Bunches of pictures. At the rally, I got frustrated because it was mainly held in Spanish, and they didn't even bother to translate it. I was angry because, being in the middle of all those people (news have been saying it was 200 thousand plus people, and I believe it), I tired of seeing different racial groups, such as Asians, and plenty of Americans, and otherwise other kinds of people who couldn't understand jack diddly of what was being said. I thought it was horribly selfish and unfair of them to hold a National Rally demanding immigration reform, and treat it like the only immigrants in this country are Latinos. It got my blood boiling. I don't care what others tell me, I think that if you wanna come into this country, and demand your rights to live here and call this home, you better start making plans of calling English your language, too. It doesn't make sense, to me. You're protesting something, hoping it makes its way to Congress, hoping it reaches the already hard-heads up in government, and you do it all in a language most of them can't comprehend? Real smooth. Morons.
Because of that reason, I ended up not paying attention to most of what was going on. I tuned in when they showed the video clip of Obama speaking, and the one with the Trail of Dreams kids. I was a bit frustrated about the speech Obama made, too, because right now I feel like he only makes these pretty speeches to the Latino communities and the groups that support immigration reform. But when it came down to business, like for example in the State of the Union Speech, he completely ignored the issue. He's only supportive when it's in front of us. Behind our backs, he acts like immigration is not a pressing issue at all. So I got angry when people started cheering to what he said and shit. I called it a lie. Because that's what it seems like to me. I'll start seeing it as the truth when I start seeing something being done about it.
Finally, the actual march was delayed by about an hour, so we didn't walk much with them, since our bus captain was throwing a fit about us being back by the parking lot on time. I also heard that the whole thing didn't really make it to national television, which was a bummer, but I guess it has its good sides, too. Maybe we don't need THAT much coverage right about now. Don't want to attract anti-immigration groups' attentions and such.
The other issue I was gonna talk about was Leslie, the Miami Dade 18-year-old girl who was detained for no effing reason at all. But I heard from a source that she was already let go (as of today, I do believe), so for right now we can celebrate, but I doubt that her case is over. Just like Walter Lara's. (OH by the way, I met him too!! I got pictures with him and such, he came to the Orlando event, it was great <3)
Just for the record, though, here's Leslie's story.
Please Read, Sign,& share this petition
http://action.dreamactivist.org/leslie/
At about 8:30 in the morning on Friday, March 12, 2010, 18-year-old Leslie Cocche was on her way to the Miami Dade College (MDC) Wolfson Campus – where she majors in criminal justice administration because she hopes to become a forensic analyst. Leslie has been an honors student her whole life.
But on this Friday, Leslie would not make it to campus.While walking to the platform of the Tri-Rail station in Ft. Lauderdale, Leslie was approached by a Customs and Border Protection agent who unnecessarily questioned her and asked her for documentation.
Leslie produced her student ID card, but apparently this did not suffice. The agent proceeded to handcuff Leslie and put her on a patrol van; shortly after, she was on her way to Broward Transitional Center, a detention center for immigrants in Pompano Beach, FL.
A few days prior to Leslie’s detention, a spokesman from the Department of Homeland Security said, "[The Obama] administration is focused on smart, effective immigration enforcement that focuses first on those dangerous criminal aliens who present the greatest risk to the security of our communities, not sweeps or raids to target undocumented immigrants indiscriminately." Yet days later, Leslie, a high-achieving 18-year-old student and a vital asset to our community, was detained on her way to class and could soon be deported from the “land of the free.”
Leslie came to the United States from Peru in 2001 when she was ten years old. As a child, Leslie excelled academically, repeatedly earning the Principal’s Honor Roll for achieving a 4.0 GPA at New River middle school. Leslie continued to excel in Stranahan high school, where she was part of the competitive medical magnet program and was on the Honor Roll for her outstanding performance in her honors and advanced placement classes. She also earned a school-wide Gold Award for her high FCAT scores and was inducted to the National Honors Society for having achieved the same qualities of scholarship, leadership, service, character, citizenship.
Aside from her academic achievements, Leslie also pursued her passion for dance. While in high school, Leslie was an active member of the “Elements Dance Group” which practices and performs jazz, ballet, and contemporary dance. Outside of school, she belonged to the Kuyayky Foundation’s Sumaj Tusuy Andean dance ensemble, and often performed for charitable functions.
When she was not studying or dancing, Leslie strived to serve her community. As she walked in her high school graduation, Leslie wore a Silver cord, indicating that she had completed over 460 hours of community service. Leslie was also one of just twelve high school seniors who completed an internship at Broward General Hospital, where she helped the hospital’s staff and took care of patients. As an active volunteer at the Kuyayky Foundation Leslie helped fundraising efforts to send aid to the 2007 earthquake victims in Peru, as well as send a holiday breakfast and toys for three consecutive years two to over two thousand impoverished children and mothers in the Peruvian highlands. Actually, if Leslie had not been detained on that unfortunate Friday morning, she would have been a volunteer to set up a benefit show to aid the people of earthquake-stricken Chile.
Without a doubt, Leslie’s detention is a loss to our community. Why are dreams deferred in the "land of opportunity"? If the Obama administration is seriously focusing on “dangerous criminal aliens,” Department of Homeland Security must stop the senseless raids and random questioning that lead to unnecessary detention.
Leslie’s detention represents the need for legislation such as the DREAM Act, which would allow Leslie’s dreams, and the dreams of the thousands of other students in her situation who this country has already invested so much in, to become a reality.
Leslie needs our help now. Demand that Janet Napolitano and John Morton release Leslie Cocche now, and stop deferring the dreams of others like her.
Well, I think that for activism and events concerning CIR and DREAM, that's about it. This week seems to finally be slow for me, which gives me a chance to recharge, and go job hunting. I'm super worried about money lately. This is when the ugly side of me starts to come out, so if you wanna stop reading here, feel free.
My family is so incompetent, I fully blame them for the position that I am in right now. I have to pay 250 dollars rent by April 1st, but I only have 18 dollars in my bank account right now. My wisdom teeth surgery was close to 600 dollars, I still need those braces, my sister still owes me almost 300. Ever since I left that horrid place and the company of the people who call themselves my family, I've had to spend the rest of the money I had saved up, for necessary things, like groceries. I've been holding on to as much as possible, but being undocumented and not being able to legally find a job, employment has been almost impossible here in this city, also for the fact I don't have a reliable means of transport, therefore leading to me having absolutely no idea how I'm gonna find the 250 dollars for rent in about a week. *major sigh*
I even got some calls back from some jobs I've applied to, but I wasn't able to get to any of them due to buses not going that far, or not having a ride, etc. I still need to make some calls for some odd jobs I'm supposed to be doing. Hey, right now, anything will have to do. I barely have money for food, and it's incredible that it's taken me having to write that sentence down to go through my head how difficult things really are for me right now.
I got a phone call just about an hour ago, it was my aunt from Portugal. We talked a bit on the phone, and when I told her I only had 18 dollars in my pocket, she said she's gonna send me $100 dollars. Of course I accepted it, since I really really really need it right now, but of course I had to hear some guilt tripping and bitching in exchange for it. I don't wanna go into much detail about it right now, I'll just say that I don't trust her and that's about it. I need the money, I'm grateful for it, it shows that God is watching out for me and that by His will I will never be left without a roof over my head or my daily bread. It's little by little that we get things accomplished. And if it means I have something better waiting for me in my future, I am quite willing to go through this right now. I know the war is hardly over, but I just try to keep myself going every day by repeating in my head, the night is always at its darkest right before the dawn. It's true.
Lately I've been having some communication problems with my friends. I know some of them are not happy with me at all. I know I've done some things wrong. I know I can seem cold and uncaring at times. It's just so hard to have to take care of all of this at the same time, and I'm just one person. I do have a lot going on in my mind. I haven't spoken to two of my dearest friends ever since they dropped me off in Orlando, and I know that they feel like I'm being ungrateful. They probably don't read this blog anymore, so I don't know if it makes much difference to write here. But they haven't answered my texts or phone calls, so I guess all I can do right now is wait for the dust to come down and try to talk to them later on.
Also another thing that has me worried is my step dad. I don't recall if I mentioned him here in this blog before, but before I came back to Orlando, he had an accident at work, got electrocuted, spent three days in a hospital, and because of some stupidity by his boss and the insurance company, he was sent to court - because he doesn't have papers and isn't supposed to be working in the country. The last I heard of him, he had just gotten out of court and there was a chance he might've been sent deported. Ever since then, he disconnected his phone line, and I tried sending him e-mails and such, but he hasn't answered them. I haven't heard from him since. So that's definitely something that's been on my mind, since I have absolutely no idea where he's at, who he's with, or what's happened to him... sigh. I hope he contacts me soon. It's just so much to worry about.
So, the one last thing I have swimming in my head to write down here would be that I'm still scared to share this blog in public, and to my friends and acquaintances. I mean, it sounds silly if you think that I've already said I'm undocumented in public, in the middle of Lake Eola, but it's still a very vivid fear. I guess because this blog has so many more personal things. I was contemplating the idea of posting the link to this blog on Facebook, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet.
Well, for now, that seems about it! Whew. It was a lot, wasn't it. I guess I got you guys all caught up now. It's good to have some free time. Now I need to get back to my job hunting, and I'll post again when something more happens and when I get a chance to be on a computer again.
Thanks to everyone who's read all this. See ya!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Fourth Story - Escape, Soreness, Worry, and lots of Activism
So, like I predicted, I didn't have the time or the access to a computer for long enough to update this blog. How are you guys doing? I didn't mean to spend three weeks away, but I didn't have a choice. It sucks not having a laptop, much more not having the MONEY for a laptop. Or, not being able to work for the money for a laptop, I should say. I think that's what sucks the most.
Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and try to catch this blog up with everything that happened in the last three weeks, but try to be quick about it. It's actually already three thirty in the morning and I have to be up by ten. I've always been such a horrible procrastinator. I'm super tired too, but there's still a lot to do. I just really wanted to write here so I'm procrastinating a bit more.
Unfortunately I can't go into details, cuz if I do, I won't be done until seven in the morning or later, who knows. But I can say that I have actually been enjoying myself quite a lot ever since I came back to O Town. Gosh, I missed this city so much. I cannot possibly express in words how happy I am to be back here, and out of that hellhole I was at before.
Sorry... Without further ado...
I spent that one last weekend of February with my friends in Miami, that was after my wisdom teeth surgery. It wasn't easy, but I hardly had anything to complain about. I was so happy to just BE there. My friends took very good care of me. I wanna show them how grateful I am for taking me out of the state I was in before, but I'm afraid I've been horrible at it lately. Life picked up exactly where I had left it off before moving away almost five months ago, and I got so overwhelmed and busy, that I actually had quite a few people who got frustrated or straight out angry at me, for not giving them the attention they deserve. For that I am sorry, and I recognize I am terrible at communication. My procrastinator nature doesn't help either. I'm working on that, I promise.
Well, that last weekend of February was great, I met some really nice people down there, it was a bit stressful because of the move, all the driving, my post-surgery state, and how far everything seemed to be, but in the end all worked out fine.
I got dropped off at my other friend's place at almost four in the morning, and that's how... the chaos... started.
Again, trying not to go into much detail here. I went back to my martial arts academy first thing. I can't describe everyone's reaction better than plain surprise. I heard a lot about my looks and how much weight I seem to have lost. I liked that, of course.
Going back into training has been rough. My body's not used to the strain anymore, after so long in a standstill, so I always seem to be horribly sore as of late.
A lot of people calling, wanting to see me, to hang out. I don't make plans, I either let people make them for me, or I make it up as we go along. I found, throughout the course of my life, that that works a million times better than trying to plan something.
I also found a way to join the O-town DREAM Act Coalition almost as soon as I was in town, and I've been super excited ever since. This is possibly one of the highlights of this post. The coalition, as of late, has been using me to help them promote and organize stuff. I'm excited about this Friday's Gathering downtown, to talk about the DREAM Act and visit some congressmens' offices and such. I somehow got to be a speaker for it so I'm sharing my story and talking a bit about the bill. I'm supposed to be working on that speech right now, actually, but of course I'm procrastinating. Besides, it's so late and I'm so tired anyway, that if I tried to write anything down it would just sound like it came from a drunk.
I will definitely try to get it recorded, tho. Hehe.
Asides from that, I am going to Washington DC this weekend for the March for Immigration Reform they're having in front of the white house. I got my pass for free and such. Not much else to say about that.
So, all in all, I am super happy that I'm getting to be so much more involved in the cause and on my way to become an actual Activist. Wooo!
Of course there's shittons more I wish I could talk about here, but I am almost falling asleep on my keyboard so I have to go now. Glad I was able to at least make some sort of update. I'll try to type up something more as soon as I get a chance again.
" I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it’s like to be new
'Cause in my head there’s a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited then here
And I cannot guess what we’ll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain
And I do believe it’s true that there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you than I hope it takes me too
So Brown Eyes I’ll hold you near ‘cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body... "
Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and try to catch this blog up with everything that happened in the last three weeks, but try to be quick about it. It's actually already three thirty in the morning and I have to be up by ten. I've always been such a horrible procrastinator. I'm super tired too, but there's still a lot to do. I just really wanted to write here so I'm procrastinating a bit more.
Unfortunately I can't go into details, cuz if I do, I won't be done until seven in the morning or later, who knows. But I can say that I have actually been enjoying myself quite a lot ever since I came back to O Town. Gosh, I missed this city so much. I cannot possibly express in words how happy I am to be back here, and out of that hellhole I was at before.
Sorry... Without further ado...
I spent that one last weekend of February with my friends in Miami, that was after my wisdom teeth surgery. It wasn't easy, but I hardly had anything to complain about. I was so happy to just BE there. My friends took very good care of me. I wanna show them how grateful I am for taking me out of the state I was in before, but I'm afraid I've been horrible at it lately. Life picked up exactly where I had left it off before moving away almost five months ago, and I got so overwhelmed and busy, that I actually had quite a few people who got frustrated or straight out angry at me, for not giving them the attention they deserve. For that I am sorry, and I recognize I am terrible at communication. My procrastinator nature doesn't help either. I'm working on that, I promise.
Well, that last weekend of February was great, I met some really nice people down there, it was a bit stressful because of the move, all the driving, my post-surgery state, and how far everything seemed to be, but in the end all worked out fine.
I got dropped off at my other friend's place at almost four in the morning, and that's how... the chaos... started.
Again, trying not to go into much detail here. I went back to my martial arts academy first thing. I can't describe everyone's reaction better than plain surprise. I heard a lot about my looks and how much weight I seem to have lost. I liked that, of course.
Going back into training has been rough. My body's not used to the strain anymore, after so long in a standstill, so I always seem to be horribly sore as of late.
A lot of people calling, wanting to see me, to hang out. I don't make plans, I either let people make them for me, or I make it up as we go along. I found, throughout the course of my life, that that works a million times better than trying to plan something.
I also found a way to join the O-town DREAM Act Coalition almost as soon as I was in town, and I've been super excited ever since. This is possibly one of the highlights of this post. The coalition, as of late, has been using me to help them promote and organize stuff. I'm excited about this Friday's Gathering downtown, to talk about the DREAM Act and visit some congressmens' offices and such. I somehow got to be a speaker for it so I'm sharing my story and talking a bit about the bill. I'm supposed to be working on that speech right now, actually, but of course I'm procrastinating. Besides, it's so late and I'm so tired anyway, that if I tried to write anything down it would just sound like it came from a drunk.
I will definitely try to get it recorded, tho. Hehe.
Asides from that, I am going to Washington DC this weekend for the March for Immigration Reform they're having in front of the white house. I got my pass for free and such. Not much else to say about that.
So, all in all, I am super happy that I'm getting to be so much more involved in the cause and on my way to become an actual Activist. Wooo!
Of course there's shittons more I wish I could talk about here, but I am almost falling asleep on my keyboard so I have to go now. Glad I was able to at least make some sort of update. I'll try to type up something more as soon as I get a chance again.
" I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it’s like to be new
'Cause in my head there’s a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited then here
And I cannot guess what we’ll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain
And I do believe it’s true that there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you than I hope it takes me too
So Brown Eyes I’ll hold you near ‘cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body... "
Monday, March 1, 2010
Filler - Central Florida Students Hand Deliver UCF Resolution to Sen. Bill Nelson
Alright, so I never had the time to finish writing about the weekend, so I guess I'll do it as soon as I get a chance. Here's a good article to fill up some time while I go to O-town and get settled and such.
http://www.centralfloridafuture.com/students-supporters-hand-deliver-resolution-1.2172900
http://www.centralfloridafuture.com/students-supporters-hand-deliver-resolution-1.2172900
Students, supporters hand-deliver resolution
By Virginia Kiddy
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Published: Sunday, February 28, 2010
Updated: Sunday, February 28, 2010
DREAM
Debbie Laurens graduated from Lake Howell High School with a 4.0 GPA, AP and honors classes and enough scholarships to cover all her college costs, but a month before graduation she discovered she wouldn’t be able to go.
“It’s embarrassing,” Laurens said. “I’ve been out of high school for three years and have nothing to show for it.”
Laurens was 6 months old when her parents brought her to America from Venezuela. They were visiting on a travel visa but decided to not return to their country, illegally overstaying their visa, Laurens said.
Though her two younger sisters were born here and are U.S. citizens, Laurens is an undocumented immigrant, meaning she can’t drive, work or pay taxes.
While some institutions may allow undocumented students to attend school, she lost her scholarships and can’t continue her education. She lives with a friend’s family in Winter Springs.
“The most important thing to me was my education,” Laurens said. “It’s the most important thing to all of us. And even though I couldn’t work or drive, that really sucked too, but I didn’t think they could take away the education.”
Laurens is working with local organizations urging legislators to sponsor and support the DREAM Act in Congress. She helps table outside the UCF Student Union, raising student awareness.
The DREAM Act would permit high school graduates who immigrated to the U.S. before they were 16 years old to gain conditional residency contingent upon military service or attending college for two years. The idea is that children should not be punished for the transgressions of their parents, Laurens said.
“What are we supposed to do? We’re young adults that could be a benefit to the economy, and we’re just taking up space,” Laurens said. “We can’t go back to a country we don’t know.”
An estimated 65,000 undocumented students graduate from high schools nationally each year, according to the Urban Institute.
UCF’s Student Government Association passed Resolution 42-11 showing the university’s support of the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors Act on Feb. 4. Line 25 reads: “The University of Central Florida would be enriched by welcoming deserving, talented, hard-working young immigrants and allowing these students to realize their educational dreams.”
UCF students and other supporters gathered Friday near Lake Eola and walked to Sen. Bill Nelson’s Orlando office to hand-deliver a copy of the SGA resolution.
Dante John Terminello, an economics major who has already received a marketing degree from UCF, is one of the students who delivered the resolution. He is part of the Orlando Farmworker Supporters, which helped start the Orlando DREAM Act Coalition. He, with others, helped to get the resolution passed at UCF.
“The resolution is more symbolic you know; it doesn’t actually change anything at UCF,” Terminello said.
Supporters are taking the resolution to legislators around the state and are able to say that the third largest undergraduate university in the nation supports the act, Terminello said.
More than a dozen people, including UCF students, local high schoolers, undocumented immigrants and other supporters from the area crowded into Nelson’s office in two rotations presenting the resolution and lobbying their causes to his staff. Some groups presented information about comprehensive immigration reform, which includes the DREAM Act.
The organizations represented included the UCF Colombian Student Association, which sponsored the SGA resolution, Students Working for Equal Rights, the Orlando Farmworker Supporters, the Orlando DREAM Act Coalition, and the Youth and Young Adult Network of the National Farm Worker Ministry, known as YAYA.
Lisa Marshall, deputy director of constituency services, and Peggy Gustave, constituent advocate, accepted the folders from the demonstrators and said they’d pass them along to Washington.
“What you’re doing is not in vain,” Marshall said to the group.
Nelson is one of 33 senators co-sponsoring the DREAM Act, but the group traveled to his office to urge him to take a leadership role.
“We just need him to take a lead on it, to actually do something about it, which hasn’t happened,” said Carolina Agudelo, a UCF junior political science major, Colombian Student Association event coordinator and YAYA treasurer.
In a statement, Marshall said, “It remains unclear when the senate judiciary committee will take up the issue.”
The DREAM Act was introduced in Congress in 2001, but failed by eight votes in 2007.
“If you grew up here in the U.S., you work hard, you should be able to go to school,” Terminello said.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Third Story - Not So Wise After All
Alright, so I ended up procrastinating about this blog entry - AGAIN.
I had meant to write some stuff down on Wednesday night, or Thursday during the day, but in all honesty, I had just gotten my wisdom teeth surgery done and I was in a LOT of pain, and mostly drugged up from my very strong pain medicine, so I ended up just sorta acting like a zombie the entire time, and didn't even finish packing for my trip until after my friends were already there to pick me up. I made them wait and felt super bad and what-not, but man... I simply cannot put into words what I felt when I saw them... really THERE.
In any case, it's already Sunday night (technically Monday morning, since it's past midnight, but in all honesty I get annoyed at that - it's not the next day until I sleep and wake up, damn it!), and I guess I've forgotten some details because so many days have passed, but I'll still try to re-tell what's happened since then.
(Btw, did you guys like the little "filler" poem I posted on wednesday? Hahaha. A friend of mines from the DAP forum wrote it, I believe, and posted it for us, and I loved it so much that I asked if I could re-post it here. I did it right before leaving the house to get my surgery done, btw.)
Alright, so... surgery didn't work on Monday, I have absolutely NO memory of what I did Tuesday - possibly because it was nothing at all aside from sitting on the computer and wasting my life away - and Wednesday came...
I woke up a bit later than what I had originally planned, about ten or fifteen minutes before 11am, but when I got up I only found Carlos, my sister's boyfriend, in her room. Upon asking where she was at, he said she had literally just walked out the door to go to work. I panicked a bit, cuz I was like... "Wait... she was supposed to take me to the dentist today. She told me she had the day off, too... wth?", to which Carlos shrugged and said he didn't know anything about that, just that she had left for work. I was like, "Great...", tried calling her, but she didn't pick up because she was probably already working, so I was already starting to panic, cuz I ONLY had that day to get the surgery done... but thankfully Carlos was nice enough to offer to take me.
I had already started to get frustrated and a bit angry at the fact that my sister would do that to me - I mean, she had the day off, I saw it on her schedule, I made sure... I checked with her Sunday night, which is when she gets her schedule changed every week. And after the whole Monday debacle, she DID tell me to re-schedule for Wednesday. Then all of a sudden she got work (I never even bothered to ask her about this), and she didn't even bother to let me know she wouldn't be able to take me. I mean, it's already bad enough that she didn't take my surgery seriously enough, but on top of that she didn't even care to give me any satisfaction. I mean, wth.
It bothered me, but by that point I was already so fed up with all of that, I didn't wanna have any more frustration, so when Carlos offered to take me, I just got the matter out of my head and simply forgot about it. Hey, wtf, as long as I was getting it done, I didn't give a damn how I was getting there.
In any case, I took my shower, got ready, went to the clinic at around 3pm, paid in advance (figured I probably wouldn't be in a stable enough condition to get it done afterwards), and had my phone out the entire time until we got started...
I'm not gonna get into many details about the process, just that I didn't get morphine, only local anesthesia, so I was awake throughout the whole thing... and I *hate* needles... and that I ended up making a fool of myself in that clinic and screamed quite a lot... but it was mostly cuz I was scared to death about the whole thing. -_-; Can't help some things.
Other than that, he worked pretty quickly. My entire jaw and lower lip were completely numb and I couldn't feel them at all, it was pretty uncomfortable. My lips got really dry and were bleeding for some reason, I'm thinking cuz I got so nervous o_O; Well, he got the teeth out pretty quickly, the right side was a bit more tricky, and he kept applying a LOT of pressure, which made my jaw hurt, and I complained and yelled a lot, haha... when the tooth came out, it slipped and I almost choked on it O_< But yea, both of them came out whole, he didn't have to crack them or part them in pieces or anything, so that was good. I guess it made everything easier.
I got my pain medication prescription from the doctor, a paper explaining how I should care for my mouth in the next week or so, etc etc, the nurse was suuuuuper nice. I was a bit out of it so I ended up hugging her before I left hahaha. Carlos took me back home cuz the meds had to be made and it would take 20+min. I was frustrated about that, cuz the anesthesia was slowly fading away and the pain from the two open wounds in my mouth was settling in pretty horribly. Now, I was never one to cry for physical pain, and I easily think emotional shit is worse, but having two holes freshly open in the back of my mouth did end up taking three or four tears outta me, I can't lie, hahaha.
The worst part of the whole thing was the blood - I didn't stop spitting out blood for about two days haha - and how bad my mouth smelled thanks to it. It was super annoying.
My sister was actually beginning to be nice to me and such, when I came home after my surgery. I couldn't really swallow the Tylenol she tried to give me until my meds were ready, so I just went to bed and passed out until around 9pm when she woke me up to eat, cuz I hadn't eaten anything since morning. I thought she had made the soup, but turned out her boyfriend was the one taking care of me again -_- I didn't mind, it was pretty sweet, and he seemed genuinely concerned, specially for someone whom he has no responsibility to. I sorta just skipped the thought that it made me feel like he was caring more for me than my sister was. I thought she was being nice and all, waking me up to make sure I was taking my pain medicine, but that actually didn't last for long. Bleh. I was expecting too much. By Thursday night (my friends weren't there to pick me up yet), she was already yelling at me and expecting me to do stuff, and calling me names (a.k.a. bitch)...
I don't even remember exactly what happened, it had something to do with my trip and her being mad that I was still going, but it's not worth trying to remember. It'll just frustrate me again.
But eventually I did get my meds - some powerful stuff, I tell ya - and I was pretty out of it for quite a while, so I never got to write in here the entry I had meant to. ~shrug~
So, I decided that even though I have a lot to write about, I'm just gonna go ahead and make separate posts for each thing. This one was so I could complete the wisdom teeth surgery story, then I'll just go ahead and write another one about this weekend where I don't need to worry about making it too damn long and write everything I need to.
I'm trying to write this all down tonight because tomorrow's already Monday, I'm going back to my place to get my stitches out and pick up my dog so I can head up to O-town, which, in my head, will be the start of a completely different story already.
And if I wait any longer, I'll just keep on piling up these stories and never writing them, haha.
There's also the fact that I'm not even sure when I'll have a chance to get to a computer again. I mean, my friend whose place I'm staying at probably has his computer, but it's probably in his room, and he lives with his girlfriend and all, so if that's the case, I won't be able to write at night like I am now, and I don't really plan on spending too much time at home during the day.
~shrug~
I get worried about so much shit so easily, ugh. I really need to stop that.
In any case, point made, I should really try to finish writing about this weekend by tonight, because I might not get another chance anytime soon.
So, yeah.
~twirls thumbs awkwardly~
I had meant to write some stuff down on Wednesday night, or Thursday during the day, but in all honesty, I had just gotten my wisdom teeth surgery done and I was in a LOT of pain, and mostly drugged up from my very strong pain medicine, so I ended up just sorta acting like a zombie the entire time, and didn't even finish packing for my trip until after my friends were already there to pick me up. I made them wait and felt super bad and what-not, but man... I simply cannot put into words what I felt when I saw them... really THERE.
In any case, it's already Sunday night (technically Monday morning, since it's past midnight, but in all honesty I get annoyed at that - it's not the next day until I sleep and wake up, damn it!), and I guess I've forgotten some details because so many days have passed, but I'll still try to re-tell what's happened since then.
(Btw, did you guys like the little "filler" poem I posted on wednesday? Hahaha. A friend of mines from the DAP forum wrote it, I believe, and posted it for us, and I loved it so much that I asked if I could re-post it here. I did it right before leaving the house to get my surgery done, btw.)
Alright, so... surgery didn't work on Monday, I have absolutely NO memory of what I did Tuesday - possibly because it was nothing at all aside from sitting on the computer and wasting my life away - and Wednesday came...
I woke up a bit later than what I had originally planned, about ten or fifteen minutes before 11am, but when I got up I only found Carlos, my sister's boyfriend, in her room. Upon asking where she was at, he said she had literally just walked out the door to go to work. I panicked a bit, cuz I was like... "Wait... she was supposed to take me to the dentist today. She told me she had the day off, too... wth?", to which Carlos shrugged and said he didn't know anything about that, just that she had left for work. I was like, "Great...", tried calling her, but she didn't pick up because she was probably already working, so I was already starting to panic, cuz I ONLY had that day to get the surgery done... but thankfully Carlos was nice enough to offer to take me.
I had already started to get frustrated and a bit angry at the fact that my sister would do that to me - I mean, she had the day off, I saw it on her schedule, I made sure... I checked with her Sunday night, which is when she gets her schedule changed every week. And after the whole Monday debacle, she DID tell me to re-schedule for Wednesday. Then all of a sudden she got work (I never even bothered to ask her about this), and she didn't even bother to let me know she wouldn't be able to take me. I mean, it's already bad enough that she didn't take my surgery seriously enough, but on top of that she didn't even care to give me any satisfaction. I mean, wth.
It bothered me, but by that point I was already so fed up with all of that, I didn't wanna have any more frustration, so when Carlos offered to take me, I just got the matter out of my head and simply forgot about it. Hey, wtf, as long as I was getting it done, I didn't give a damn how I was getting there.
In any case, I took my shower, got ready, went to the clinic at around 3pm, paid in advance (figured I probably wouldn't be in a stable enough condition to get it done afterwards), and had my phone out the entire time until we got started...
I'm not gonna get into many details about the process, just that I didn't get morphine, only local anesthesia, so I was awake throughout the whole thing... and I *hate* needles... and that I ended up making a fool of myself in that clinic and screamed quite a lot... but it was mostly cuz I was scared to death about the whole thing. -_-; Can't help some things.
Other than that, he worked pretty quickly. My entire jaw and lower lip were completely numb and I couldn't feel them at all, it was pretty uncomfortable. My lips got really dry and were bleeding for some reason, I'm thinking cuz I got so nervous o_O; Well, he got the teeth out pretty quickly, the right side was a bit more tricky, and he kept applying a LOT of pressure, which made my jaw hurt, and I complained and yelled a lot, haha... when the tooth came out, it slipped and I almost choked on it O_< But yea, both of them came out whole, he didn't have to crack them or part them in pieces or anything, so that was good. I guess it made everything easier.
I got my pain medication prescription from the doctor, a paper explaining how I should care for my mouth in the next week or so, etc etc, the nurse was suuuuuper nice. I was a bit out of it so I ended up hugging her before I left hahaha. Carlos took me back home cuz the meds had to be made and it would take 20+min. I was frustrated about that, cuz the anesthesia was slowly fading away and the pain from the two open wounds in my mouth was settling in pretty horribly. Now, I was never one to cry for physical pain, and I easily think emotional shit is worse, but having two holes freshly open in the back of my mouth did end up taking three or four tears outta me, I can't lie, hahaha.
The worst part of the whole thing was the blood - I didn't stop spitting out blood for about two days haha - and how bad my mouth smelled thanks to it. It was super annoying.
My sister was actually beginning to be nice to me and such, when I came home after my surgery. I couldn't really swallow the Tylenol she tried to give me until my meds were ready, so I just went to bed and passed out until around 9pm when she woke me up to eat, cuz I hadn't eaten anything since morning. I thought she had made the soup, but turned out her boyfriend was the one taking care of me again -_- I didn't mind, it was pretty sweet, and he seemed genuinely concerned, specially for someone whom he has no responsibility to. I sorta just skipped the thought that it made me feel like he was caring more for me than my sister was. I thought she was being nice and all, waking me up to make sure I was taking my pain medicine, but that actually didn't last for long. Bleh. I was expecting too much. By Thursday night (my friends weren't there to pick me up yet), she was already yelling at me and expecting me to do stuff, and calling me names (a.k.a. bitch)...
I don't even remember exactly what happened, it had something to do with my trip and her being mad that I was still going, but it's not worth trying to remember. It'll just frustrate me again.
But eventually I did get my meds - some powerful stuff, I tell ya - and I was pretty out of it for quite a while, so I never got to write in here the entry I had meant to. ~shrug~
So, I decided that even though I have a lot to write about, I'm just gonna go ahead and make separate posts for each thing. This one was so I could complete the wisdom teeth surgery story, then I'll just go ahead and write another one about this weekend where I don't need to worry about making it too damn long and write everything I need to.
I'm trying to write this all down tonight because tomorrow's already Monday, I'm going back to my place to get my stitches out and pick up my dog so I can head up to O-town, which, in my head, will be the start of a completely different story already.
And if I wait any longer, I'll just keep on piling up these stories and never writing them, haha.
There's also the fact that I'm not even sure when I'll have a chance to get to a computer again. I mean, my friend whose place I'm staying at probably has his computer, but it's probably in his room, and he lives with his girlfriend and all, so if that's the case, I won't be able to write at night like I am now, and I don't really plan on spending too much time at home during the day.
~shrug~
I get worried about so much shit so easily, ugh. I really need to stop that.
In any case, point made, I should really try to finish writing about this weekend by tonight, because I might not get another chance anytime soon.
So, yeah.
~twirls thumbs awkwardly~
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Filler - I Am An American
I am the McDonald double Cheese Burger
I am the Starbucks white chocolate Mocha
I am the Strawberry tootsie roll pop
I am the Los Angeles Lakers
I am the New Orleans Saints
I am the New York Yankees
I am the Walmart when I save money
I am the Disneyland when I have fun
I am the Public University when I attain a higher education
I am a dreamer through love and hope
I am a public servant through loyalty and respect
I am a believer through faith and patience
I am the Eagle
I am the Democracy
And I am the resource
I am the land of opportunity
I am the water of freedom
I am the soil of knowledge
You see, I am who I am
I am an American
----- by Gateway89
Monday, February 22, 2010
Second Story - Post Breakdown
I meant to write here while I was still in a good mood, because I knew it wouldn't last for long, but I guess I epically failed at that. Sigh.
But, alas, here I am, and here's the beginning of a new post.
First things first. I know my first post in this blog was anything but conventional, and it doesn't make much sense at all unless you're really close friends with me. But what the hell. ~shrug~ I guess that the more I write, the clearer things will become. I always end up talking about one thing or another and bringing up important points and facts from my past. I'm thinking that if I don't abandon this project, little by little most of my life might even be on here - somewhat scattered and maybe a little confusing, throughout the posts I write. So... it's whatever.
I'm not really looking to have lots of readers or to put my personal life out there for the entire world to see... I actually want as little attention as possible, which might even be an oxymoron, because you might be asking to yourself, "Why would you even publish these things on a blog, then?"
Well, in all honesty. I'm not really sure myself.
I guess I felt that just writing these things to myself doesn't really count as "venting" or "letting it out". It's still bottled in, cuz I'm the only one reading it. =/
I just felt a little bit of need to. So I did it. ~shrug~ I don't have to have an explanation for everything I do... right?
Well. Right now I have a killer headache that refuses to go away, so I'm not in a good mood. You guys get another depressing/frustrated/somewhat angry post. Ah, well.
My weekend was actually good. So that's the good part I have to tell.
After the first story I wrote here, I managed to force myself to go do some stuff I knew needed to get done. Bathed the dog, took a shower myself, cooked some food, actually ATE some of it, (somewhat) cleaned my room, vacuumed, etc. Felt better.
On Friday, I was supposed to go get a quick exam from a Brazilian dentist who works at home (with a ghetto mini-clinic inside one of his rooms), a place that I didn't feel comfortable in at all, and you can't help those things, but at the same time he was the only dentist we knew of whom I could go to, to take care of my wisdom teeth problem. So I gave in and went along with the plan, cuz something is better than nothing, and beggars can't be choosers, I understand that well.
But we had been calling him and leaving him messages since the day before and he never answered or called back. By Friday early afternoon, when I was taking a nap thanks to the constantly-pounding headache I always seem to have these days, he finally called back. Sister and I talked to him, explained it was somewhat of an emergency and how I needed these teeth taken out as soon as possible, but he said he was going on a mini trip for some sort of holidays or whatnot, and that he had other people to see all of the week he comes back, so that I'd have to wait until after that to get examined and have an idea of how much it would even cost me to get these pulled out.
I gotta be honest, when I'm in pain I get very impatient and easily angered. This guy frustrated me too much, so I had to give the phone to my sister before I told him to go "tomar no cú" and that I was very well capable of finding some other dentist who'd be a better professional.
I stormed back to my computer, completely disillusioned and frustrated, because I honestly had no idea how I'd find an affordable dentist who wouldn't ask for insurance, or something like that... the place I live at really sucks for these things.
I started my search the most common way possible, and the only one I knew of, on Google, LoL. I looked all around, found more useful websites, got phone numbers, called several places, and as the hours passed by my headache only worsened and I only got more disheartened. I actually did end up finding a place eventually, and I guess that if you look at it and consider the rest, it wasn't so bad after all. A clinic down by the next city, $75 dollars for an exam and two x-rays, and $550 dollars for the extraction of two teeth, with local anesthesia. The lady I talked to over the phone was real nice and sweet, also said that if I come back for the actual surgery within two weeks of the day of my exam, they'll count the $75 dollars of the exam towards the $550 for the extraction, so I'll be paying $475 instead. She told me I won't find a better deal than that, and I believe her.
Somehow convinced my sister to take me there before the clinic closed at 5:30 (it was already 4 o'clock), because she was completely unwilling to go. Of course the entire trip there was nothing short of unpleasant, and the way back was even more because we always find a way to fight. I guess I should stop writing down so many useless details, the way there and back didn't really matter much. She just talked on about her son, her plans to find a way to bring him here, and how she was even willing to get to the point of paying someone to kill Roger (her son's father) so she could be able to have him with her. I didn't really have a comment to that. I guess that when you become a mother, you're willing to do a lot of stuff you wouldn't have done before. She commented about how she was "dried up" now, and how she didn't feel anything for anyone anymore (should I assume this somewhat explains her bestial behavior towards me? I don't know), and I simply and honestly commented that she shouldn't have waited until things were at such an extreme point before doing SOMETHING about it. She didn't have an answer.
Well, got to the clinic, it went pretty smoothly, got two x-rays of my bottom wisdom teeth, and found out they've grown in straight and pretty, making the extraction a fairly easy job. Paid %75 for the exam and got into a fight with my sister - still inside the clinic - about why I didn't want to get the extraction done right then and there, instead of waiting until next week.
My various points were that I needed to call my step father first to tell him about the price and how I'll be paying for it (he made me promise, and I guess that as long as it's just his spare money, I can accept the help), that one of my friends was coming to spend the weekend with me and would be there that same night, and well, my fear. It sounds simple, but I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her - not like she'd understand it anyway. I'm so freaked out about getting these teeth pulled, I can't understand it myself. I'm just really scared.
But she asked about my friend (let's call him N.) who was coming to see me, I reminded her I had told her beforehand and that she had been ok with it. She asked me if he had been the one who sent me roses, I answered yes. She then proceeded to tell me, without half a second to think about what she was saying, that I'd be sleeping in her room with her and not in the same room as him.
My response was nothing short of this, exactly:
"HAHAHA! Umm... excuse me?"
She babbled on about some more nonsense that I didn't bother to listen to - specially since she kept talking in English in a loud voice when I had already calmly asked her to speak in Portuguese so to not be ridiculous and make a scene for the whole clinic. I just turned my back to her and left. Long story short, she just kept pressing my buttons, specially about my friend (who really IS just a friend, and she didn't bother to consider that before assuming I'd be sleeping with him) and I had to remind her that I'm a healthy twenty-year-old woman who's no longer a virgin by a long shot, who's used to living on her own and who's had at least a few men sleep in bed by her, without the need to ask for permission from anyone. So clearly she'd not be the one to change my lifestyle and take away the freedom I grew up having.
The argument died soon after and the rest of the way home was silent.
I realize I should've probably not waited this long to write in my blog again, because now it feels like the daily events got cramped up and made the post longer than it should be. I guess it's a learning process after all. I need to get into the habit of writing more often.
Continuing, my friend N. got to my place at just two or three minutes past midnight, it was a four-hour long drive after all, and upon seeing him it dawned on me that I have, in fact, been in isolation for about four months and have not seen a single familiar face (besides my sister's) in that long.
We hugged, his first commented upon letting me go was how much thinner I looked and felt, and how the bags under my eyes had gotten just that much worse. The only thing he was missing to complete the package, really, was how pale I am too, haha! Sorta caught me by surprise because I guess it was still a bit of a shock to hear that from someone else's mouth other than my own.
Well, I get caught up in details too easily. Basically, it was a blessing to have N. here with me for those two days. I felt very embarrassed in the beginning, about my state of depression, but it wasn't hard to actually feel better with company around me. He hung out and talked a lot, went to the mall and I scored a new memory card for my phone (and now I can use it as an MP3 player! Yeah! I need to remember to upload more songs in it.), ate at Olive Gardens, just drove around. The next day we went to Publix, and cooked some delicious chicken legs at home. Driving around in his car made me feel like I had a little piece of my old life back with me. It saddened me, but I was also glad to remember what it felt like. And to let me know how much I want it back.
I'm still very confused about what to do with this situation. I'm still very tied down and my options are very limited.
All in all, N. left on Sunday night, it was a sad good-bye, but I told myself that I tried my best to make him feel like the long trips back and forth were worth it and that he was happy here. I feel happy and relieved to know that I have people like him in my life, who are willing to spend so much money and time on a long-distance trip for the exchange of seeing me again for two days.
I can only say that I must've done something right to deserve friends who'll help me in absolutely any way I might need. And with that thought in mind, I could keep a smile on my face.
That Sunday night my sister got home from work with her new schedule, and we settled that the next day, Monday, we'd go to get this surgery done. It was the most convenient time, since it would give me at least a few days to recover before my road trip Thursday night.
I woke up and called the clinic, to let them know I'd be coming in a bit later for my surgery, and they said whichever time would be fine. Went to get sister out of bed, to which I did not receive a good reaction and had her snap at me. She was in a bad mood because it turned out that it was the day of her son's birthday, who's still in Brazil. I understood her pain and said nothing back. She replied she would get ready to take me only later on, so I left and didn't bother her again. Took my shower, did my thing as slowly as I could. By three thirty pm I found her sitting outside still in her pajamas, laptop on her legs, cigarette in one hand, cellphone on the other. I told myself to not get annoyed and act as polite and as nice as possible. In a soft voice I asked if she'd be getting ready soon. Her response was still quite snappy but I disregarded it. Said she'd only go get ready at about four thirty. I argued that'd be too late, seeing as the clinic closes at five thirty, and the surgery takes anywhere from one hour to possibly three. She tried to argue with me that it wouldn't matter to get there late, and I tried to explain that didn't make sense, we couldn't simply expect the doctor to stay after hours, that's very rude and unprofessional, besides they'd probably reschedule the surgery if we got there so late. She didn't really stop to listen to me, just went on to say, in a higher volume, that it was her son's birthday and that she was going to talk to him. I didn't answer, closed the door, and went back to my room.
About a good half to an hour later, she opens my door (still in her pajamas) to accuse me of not caring about my only nephew's birthday, guilt trip me about the situation, and of course, call me selfish and self centered, pointing out that I thought the world revolved around my bellybutton.
I gave her my best "WTF" look, complete with hand gesture and all, because I simply didn't have words to answer her. She left that note, and a guilt-filled me behind.
I changed back into my stay-at-home attire and pondered my mood and everything that had happened so far, when at about 5:15pm she asked me if I was ready to go. I answered there was no more time, the clinic was closing in fifteen minutes, I mean, really? She tried to argue with me about it, so I just answered that I had called them and they had said it was too late. That shut her up and I went to walk my dog in peace.
I always end up asking myself all these questions, specially if all this is really my fault. If I really am as uncaring, as dry, as selfish, as useless, as they tell me I am. If I really do look at only myself and forget about others, without even realizing.
I couldn't help but remember the time when she got her wisdom teeth pulled, and how she had someone to pay all the costs for her, and someone to take care of her every second of the post-surgery complications, and how everything was her way for about two weeks, and how she used that time to be in as bad a mood as she pleased without anyone to say a word against it.
Sigh.
Of course things can't be the same, or fair. They are never that way in life.
I am left to wait for Wednesday to get my surgery done, and pray that I will be well enough to travel by Thursday night, because God knows I'll be leaving whether I am healthy enough to leave my bed or not. I -need- to.
On that note, later that same Monday night my sister called me into her room to launch one last spiteful comment at me. Asked me if I was still up for my trip, if I knew how this surgery would go, and if I knew that there was a chance of my mouth opening back up and me getting hemorrhage. Also not failing to mention that that she "almost died" when she got hers pulled out. No lie, I had to contain myself from rolling my eyes at that absurd comment. In the end she made a point to add that I should not even THINK about calling her in case anything were to happen to me in my trip.
I gave her my thumbs up and walked back into my room, sighing to myself.
I slept the rest of that afternoon away thanks to the pounding and incessant headache, but at least that was a good way to make time pass by faster.
Today nothing much else happened, she worked all day and I procrastinated about all the little things I had to do, like making sure everything for the trip is ready and set to go.
Talked to my friend S. about some psychology (the subject I want to major in college) and the default pattern and behaviors of dysfunctional families around the globe, and heard, not for the first time, that I should probably leave my family's influence as soon as possible if I have any hopes of getting better and progressing in life. Specially if I'm this unhappy and I've made such severe stepping back thanks to them.
Now, I actually gave some few very close in-real-life friends access to this blog and to my first post. One of them is the friend who's picking me up Thursday, R.
I wasn't exactly prepared for her reaction, so I didn't know how to act.
How can I put this.
She wants me to throw everything I own in the back of her car, take my puppy in my arms, say my goodbyes, and leave her for good to never come back.
But the thing is that she is 110% serious about that plan.
Tonight I called her and we talked a bit more about this situation. I feel awkward. I can't help it. I was asking myself what reason I had to share this blog with my close friends, that was like bluntly asking for help. And now...
I'm scared.
I want to get out of here so bad. I know I need to. I know how much I want to say goodbye to never look back.
But how is that any close to possible at the time? I'm so tied down.
I don't have a job in the city where I came from. I obviously will be very short on money by tomorrow, seeing as I'm paying for my own surgery, and I can't count on my step father's help. If he doesn't have the money he doesn't have the money, and God knows I'm the last person who'd ask for any.
I kept thinking and worrying about things. Although I felt shy and bad about being a huge burden on my friends, I did talk to R. on the phone about it a bit. I explained how it's unrealistic to expect to stay at any friends' houses for an indefinite period of time without the guarantee of a job, or even a way around town to find one. So as much as I want to throw my entire room in the back of her car and just beat it, I know I need to be more sensible. This is a delicate situation... I constantly feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and my next move could either save me or finish drowning me.
She's assertive, though, and sounds like she knows exactly what should be done and how. She had no doubts in her voice when I asked if I should bring my puppy to Orlando with me and the answer was absolutely. That I should at least bring as much as I could fit in a large suitcase, so that I'll at least have my necessities in Orlando with me, in case I find a way to be able to stay. Make things easier for them to help me get away from... this, whatever it could be called.
At some point, she voiced her concern for my well-being and her willingness to help, move, drive, pick me up, anything, to get me out of this situation and back into a city where I'll be close to people I know, people who love me and who'll make sure I'm alright and care for me.
We hung up soon after that, but.
I actually sat down and cried. Hugged my legs close to me, my head on my knees, and just... cried.
Like I haven't done in a while, actually.
Because she said "where you'll be close to people you know, people who love you and who'll make sure you're alright and take care of you".
And what hurts the most is remembering my sister's words, how she said that friends won't help me or feed me or take care of me.
And my inner question, then.
If my friends won't care for me, and my family even less, then who?...
It felt good to cry. To feel vulnerability in the tears rolling down my cheeks. And the comfort of being alone and unwatched, protected from being reached in such a weak state. Being able to BE that weak, for that instant.
My worries are far from faded. My problems far from solved. My mind... far from fixed.
But my hope is still far from being gone, and I think that I will feel much better when I'm in the company of the people I love and miss so much.
I'm sorry for clinging. I'm sorry for yet once again, needing to be helped. I'm sorry for my weakness, for my vulnerability, for my complete lack of capacity to fix and control my own life by myself.
I can only hope and fight for a better tomorrow when I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and show my gratitude for everything my friends have ever done for me.
Because I would be a huge block of nothing without them.
But, alas, here I am, and here's the beginning of a new post.
First things first. I know my first post in this blog was anything but conventional, and it doesn't make much sense at all unless you're really close friends with me. But what the hell. ~shrug~ I guess that the more I write, the clearer things will become. I always end up talking about one thing or another and bringing up important points and facts from my past. I'm thinking that if I don't abandon this project, little by little most of my life might even be on here - somewhat scattered and maybe a little confusing, throughout the posts I write. So... it's whatever.
I'm not really looking to have lots of readers or to put my personal life out there for the entire world to see... I actually want as little attention as possible, which might even be an oxymoron, because you might be asking to yourself, "Why would you even publish these things on a blog, then?"
Well, in all honesty. I'm not really sure myself.
I guess I felt that just writing these things to myself doesn't really count as "venting" or "letting it out". It's still bottled in, cuz I'm the only one reading it. =/
I just felt a little bit of need to. So I did it. ~shrug~ I don't have to have an explanation for everything I do... right?
Well. Right now I have a killer headache that refuses to go away, so I'm not in a good mood. You guys get another depressing/frustrated/somewhat angry post. Ah, well.
My weekend was actually good. So that's the good part I have to tell.
After the first story I wrote here, I managed to force myself to go do some stuff I knew needed to get done. Bathed the dog, took a shower myself, cooked some food, actually ATE some of it, (somewhat) cleaned my room, vacuumed, etc. Felt better.
On Friday, I was supposed to go get a quick exam from a Brazilian dentist who works at home (with a ghetto mini-clinic inside one of his rooms), a place that I didn't feel comfortable in at all, and you can't help those things, but at the same time he was the only dentist we knew of whom I could go to, to take care of my wisdom teeth problem. So I gave in and went along with the plan, cuz something is better than nothing, and beggars can't be choosers, I understand that well.
But we had been calling him and leaving him messages since the day before and he never answered or called back. By Friday early afternoon, when I was taking a nap thanks to the constantly-pounding headache I always seem to have these days, he finally called back. Sister and I talked to him, explained it was somewhat of an emergency and how I needed these teeth taken out as soon as possible, but he said he was going on a mini trip for some sort of holidays or whatnot, and that he had other people to see all of the week he comes back, so that I'd have to wait until after that to get examined and have an idea of how much it would even cost me to get these pulled out.
I gotta be honest, when I'm in pain I get very impatient and easily angered. This guy frustrated me too much, so I had to give the phone to my sister before I told him to go "tomar no cú" and that I was very well capable of finding some other dentist who'd be a better professional.
I stormed back to my computer, completely disillusioned and frustrated, because I honestly had no idea how I'd find an affordable dentist who wouldn't ask for insurance, or something like that... the place I live at really sucks for these things.
I started my search the most common way possible, and the only one I knew of, on Google, LoL. I looked all around, found more useful websites, got phone numbers, called several places, and as the hours passed by my headache only worsened and I only got more disheartened. I actually did end up finding a place eventually, and I guess that if you look at it and consider the rest, it wasn't so bad after all. A clinic down by the next city, $75 dollars for an exam and two x-rays, and $550 dollars for the extraction of two teeth, with local anesthesia. The lady I talked to over the phone was real nice and sweet, also said that if I come back for the actual surgery within two weeks of the day of my exam, they'll count the $75 dollars of the exam towards the $550 for the extraction, so I'll be paying $475 instead. She told me I won't find a better deal than that, and I believe her.
Somehow convinced my sister to take me there before the clinic closed at 5:30 (it was already 4 o'clock), because she was completely unwilling to go. Of course the entire trip there was nothing short of unpleasant, and the way back was even more because we always find a way to fight. I guess I should stop writing down so many useless details, the way there and back didn't really matter much. She just talked on about her son, her plans to find a way to bring him here, and how she was even willing to get to the point of paying someone to kill Roger (her son's father) so she could be able to have him with her. I didn't really have a comment to that. I guess that when you become a mother, you're willing to do a lot of stuff you wouldn't have done before. She commented about how she was "dried up" now, and how she didn't feel anything for anyone anymore (should I assume this somewhat explains her bestial behavior towards me? I don't know), and I simply and honestly commented that she shouldn't have waited until things were at such an extreme point before doing SOMETHING about it. She didn't have an answer.
Well, got to the clinic, it went pretty smoothly, got two x-rays of my bottom wisdom teeth, and found out they've grown in straight and pretty, making the extraction a fairly easy job. Paid %75 for the exam and got into a fight with my sister - still inside the clinic - about why I didn't want to get the extraction done right then and there, instead of waiting until next week.
My various points were that I needed to call my step father first to tell him about the price and how I'll be paying for it (he made me promise, and I guess that as long as it's just his spare money, I can accept the help), that one of my friends was coming to spend the weekend with me and would be there that same night, and well, my fear. It sounds simple, but I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her - not like she'd understand it anyway. I'm so freaked out about getting these teeth pulled, I can't understand it myself. I'm just really scared.
But she asked about my friend (let's call him N.) who was coming to see me, I reminded her I had told her beforehand and that she had been ok with it. She asked me if he had been the one who sent me roses, I answered yes. She then proceeded to tell me, without half a second to think about what she was saying, that I'd be sleeping in her room with her and not in the same room as him.
My response was nothing short of this, exactly:
"HAHAHA! Umm... excuse me?"
She babbled on about some more nonsense that I didn't bother to listen to - specially since she kept talking in English in a loud voice when I had already calmly asked her to speak in Portuguese so to not be ridiculous and make a scene for the whole clinic. I just turned my back to her and left. Long story short, she just kept pressing my buttons, specially about my friend (who really IS just a friend, and she didn't bother to consider that before assuming I'd be sleeping with him) and I had to remind her that I'm a healthy twenty-year-old woman who's no longer a virgin by a long shot, who's used to living on her own and who's had at least a few men sleep in bed by her, without the need to ask for permission from anyone. So clearly she'd not be the one to change my lifestyle and take away the freedom I grew up having.
The argument died soon after and the rest of the way home was silent.
I realize I should've probably not waited this long to write in my blog again, because now it feels like the daily events got cramped up and made the post longer than it should be. I guess it's a learning process after all. I need to get into the habit of writing more often.
Continuing, my friend N. got to my place at just two or three minutes past midnight, it was a four-hour long drive after all, and upon seeing him it dawned on me that I have, in fact, been in isolation for about four months and have not seen a single familiar face (besides my sister's) in that long.
We hugged, his first commented upon letting me go was how much thinner I looked and felt, and how the bags under my eyes had gotten just that much worse. The only thing he was missing to complete the package, really, was how pale I am too, haha! Sorta caught me by surprise because I guess it was still a bit of a shock to hear that from someone else's mouth other than my own.
Well, I get caught up in details too easily. Basically, it was a blessing to have N. here with me for those two days. I felt very embarrassed in the beginning, about my state of depression, but it wasn't hard to actually feel better with company around me. He hung out and talked a lot, went to the mall and I scored a new memory card for my phone (and now I can use it as an MP3 player! Yeah! I need to remember to upload more songs in it.), ate at Olive Gardens, just drove around. The next day we went to Publix, and cooked some delicious chicken legs at home. Driving around in his car made me feel like I had a little piece of my old life back with me. It saddened me, but I was also glad to remember what it felt like. And to let me know how much I want it back.
I'm still very confused about what to do with this situation. I'm still very tied down and my options are very limited.
All in all, N. left on Sunday night, it was a sad good-bye, but I told myself that I tried my best to make him feel like the long trips back and forth were worth it and that he was happy here. I feel happy and relieved to know that I have people like him in my life, who are willing to spend so much money and time on a long-distance trip for the exchange of seeing me again for two days.
I can only say that I must've done something right to deserve friends who'll help me in absolutely any way I might need. And with that thought in mind, I could keep a smile on my face.
That Sunday night my sister got home from work with her new schedule, and we settled that the next day, Monday, we'd go to get this surgery done. It was the most convenient time, since it would give me at least a few days to recover before my road trip Thursday night.
I woke up and called the clinic, to let them know I'd be coming in a bit later for my surgery, and they said whichever time would be fine. Went to get sister out of bed, to which I did not receive a good reaction and had her snap at me. She was in a bad mood because it turned out that it was the day of her son's birthday, who's still in Brazil. I understood her pain and said nothing back. She replied she would get ready to take me only later on, so I left and didn't bother her again. Took my shower, did my thing as slowly as I could. By three thirty pm I found her sitting outside still in her pajamas, laptop on her legs, cigarette in one hand, cellphone on the other. I told myself to not get annoyed and act as polite and as nice as possible. In a soft voice I asked if she'd be getting ready soon. Her response was still quite snappy but I disregarded it. Said she'd only go get ready at about four thirty. I argued that'd be too late, seeing as the clinic closes at five thirty, and the surgery takes anywhere from one hour to possibly three. She tried to argue with me that it wouldn't matter to get there late, and I tried to explain that didn't make sense, we couldn't simply expect the doctor to stay after hours, that's very rude and unprofessional, besides they'd probably reschedule the surgery if we got there so late. She didn't really stop to listen to me, just went on to say, in a higher volume, that it was her son's birthday and that she was going to talk to him. I didn't answer, closed the door, and went back to my room.
About a good half to an hour later, she opens my door (still in her pajamas) to accuse me of not caring about my only nephew's birthday, guilt trip me about the situation, and of course, call me selfish and self centered, pointing out that I thought the world revolved around my bellybutton.
I gave her my best "WTF" look, complete with hand gesture and all, because I simply didn't have words to answer her. She left that note, and a guilt-filled me behind.
I changed back into my stay-at-home attire and pondered my mood and everything that had happened so far, when at about 5:15pm she asked me if I was ready to go. I answered there was no more time, the clinic was closing in fifteen minutes, I mean, really? She tried to argue with me about it, so I just answered that I had called them and they had said it was too late. That shut her up and I went to walk my dog in peace.
I always end up asking myself all these questions, specially if all this is really my fault. If I really am as uncaring, as dry, as selfish, as useless, as they tell me I am. If I really do look at only myself and forget about others, without even realizing.
I couldn't help but remember the time when she got her wisdom teeth pulled, and how she had someone to pay all the costs for her, and someone to take care of her every second of the post-surgery complications, and how everything was her way for about two weeks, and how she used that time to be in as bad a mood as she pleased without anyone to say a word against it.
Sigh.
Of course things can't be the same, or fair. They are never that way in life.
I am left to wait for Wednesday to get my surgery done, and pray that I will be well enough to travel by Thursday night, because God knows I'll be leaving whether I am healthy enough to leave my bed or not. I -need- to.
On that note, later that same Monday night my sister called me into her room to launch one last spiteful comment at me. Asked me if I was still up for my trip, if I knew how this surgery would go, and if I knew that there was a chance of my mouth opening back up and me getting hemorrhage. Also not failing to mention that that she "almost died" when she got hers pulled out. No lie, I had to contain myself from rolling my eyes at that absurd comment. In the end she made a point to add that I should not even THINK about calling her in case anything were to happen to me in my trip.
I gave her my thumbs up and walked back into my room, sighing to myself.
I slept the rest of that afternoon away thanks to the pounding and incessant headache, but at least that was a good way to make time pass by faster.
Today nothing much else happened, she worked all day and I procrastinated about all the little things I had to do, like making sure everything for the trip is ready and set to go.
Talked to my friend S. about some psychology (the subject I want to major in college) and the default pattern and behaviors of dysfunctional families around the globe, and heard, not for the first time, that I should probably leave my family's influence as soon as possible if I have any hopes of getting better and progressing in life. Specially if I'm this unhappy and I've made such severe stepping back thanks to them.
Now, I actually gave some few very close in-real-life friends access to this blog and to my first post. One of them is the friend who's picking me up Thursday, R.
I wasn't exactly prepared for her reaction, so I didn't know how to act.
How can I put this.
She wants me to throw everything I own in the back of her car, take my puppy in my arms, say my goodbyes, and leave her for good to never come back.
But the thing is that she is 110% serious about that plan.
Tonight I called her and we talked a bit more about this situation. I feel awkward. I can't help it. I was asking myself what reason I had to share this blog with my close friends, that was like bluntly asking for help. And now...
I'm scared.
I want to get out of here so bad. I know I need to. I know how much I want to say goodbye to never look back.
But how is that any close to possible at the time? I'm so tied down.
I don't have a job in the city where I came from. I obviously will be very short on money by tomorrow, seeing as I'm paying for my own surgery, and I can't count on my step father's help. If he doesn't have the money he doesn't have the money, and God knows I'm the last person who'd ask for any.
I kept thinking and worrying about things. Although I felt shy and bad about being a huge burden on my friends, I did talk to R. on the phone about it a bit. I explained how it's unrealistic to expect to stay at any friends' houses for an indefinite period of time without the guarantee of a job, or even a way around town to find one. So as much as I want to throw my entire room in the back of her car and just beat it, I know I need to be more sensible. This is a delicate situation... I constantly feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and my next move could either save me or finish drowning me.
She's assertive, though, and sounds like she knows exactly what should be done and how. She had no doubts in her voice when I asked if I should bring my puppy to Orlando with me and the answer was absolutely. That I should at least bring as much as I could fit in a large suitcase, so that I'll at least have my necessities in Orlando with me, in case I find a way to be able to stay. Make things easier for them to help me get away from... this, whatever it could be called.
At some point, she voiced her concern for my well-being and her willingness to help, move, drive, pick me up, anything, to get me out of this situation and back into a city where I'll be close to people I know, people who love me and who'll make sure I'm alright and care for me.
We hung up soon after that, but.
I actually sat down and cried. Hugged my legs close to me, my head on my knees, and just... cried.
Like I haven't done in a while, actually.
Because she said "where you'll be close to people you know, people who love you and who'll make sure you're alright and take care of you".
And what hurts the most is remembering my sister's words, how she said that friends won't help me or feed me or take care of me.
And my inner question, then.
If my friends won't care for me, and my family even less, then who?...
It felt good to cry. To feel vulnerability in the tears rolling down my cheeks. And the comfort of being alone and unwatched, protected from being reached in such a weak state. Being able to BE that weak, for that instant.
My worries are far from faded. My problems far from solved. My mind... far from fixed.
But my hope is still far from being gone, and I think that I will feel much better when I'm in the company of the people I love and miss so much.
I'm sorry for clinging. I'm sorry for yet once again, needing to be helped. I'm sorry for my weakness, for my vulnerability, for my complete lack of capacity to fix and control my own life by myself.
I can only hope and fight for a better tomorrow when I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and show my gratitude for everything my friends have ever done for me.
Because I would be a huge block of nothing without them.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
First Story - Follow Up
Note: This is only going to make sense if you've already read the previous post.
Why is it almost nighttime already? It feels like the entire day was wasted.
Well, at least it passed by so quickly. That's a rarity these days, when time seems to be stopped, and I constantly wake up wishing for the next day to be over already.
I wasn't expecting my sister to be home so early. I thought she was working until at least eight or nine, but I guess I got her schedule wrong.
I was in the middle of washing the dishes - HER dishes - because of this morning and how bad and useless I felt, when she walked in the door carrying a box of pizza (ew...).
I was sorta caught by surprise, cuz honestly the last thing I wanted was to be caught doing the dishes, I can't really explain why. I just didn't want her to see me doing them. Plus I felt oh so very awkward, so I guess I might've looked sorta weird when I said a sheepish "hi".
Well, anyway, enough of useless details. The point is that shortly after she got home, while I was still working on the sink, she started nagging me about a job again. Said she was trying to get me a job at the same place she's working at, an Italian restaurant not so far from here, which I find very improbable, because they don't hire without papers there (and my sister's in process for Residency, so she can actually work).
We ended up fighting about it.
"We're low on money, you know", she said.
"And how is that even my fault?", I replied. I don't buy shit for myself. I don't go out places. I don't spend any money AT ALL. Hell, I don't even fucking eat that much.
"I'm not saying it is, but... How about if I don't wanna pay for your stuff anymore? What if I refuse?"
I was SO baffled when I heard that, I couldn't believe my ears. At least I didn't stay quiet out of surprise, and actually let out:
"Excuse me? What SHIT do you pay for me?"
And she pauses for just a split second, but nonetheless long enough for me to notice the hesitation, and replies.
"Well, I was going to pay for your dentist tomorrow!"
"HAH! Really? You can't be fucking serious."
What I actually mean when I said that, is "You can't be fucking serious you're playing that card with me NOW, after everything I've heard you say this morning. You're not really gonna pay for shit for me, and even if you were, I wouldn't want it, because you'll just throw it in my face later on."
Besides, how much does she think the surgery's gonna be, anyway? A hundred bucks? Please. Whatever.
She continues.
"I really was!"
"Well, too bad, because I've already made up my mind to pay for it MYSELF, so thanks but no thanks."
As to which she doesn't answer and storms back into her room.
I finish washing the dishes with frustration, and end my job actually feeling worse than when I started it.
And to think that I had started it in hopes of feeling better.
Why is it almost nighttime already? It feels like the entire day was wasted.
Well, at least it passed by so quickly. That's a rarity these days, when time seems to be stopped, and I constantly wake up wishing for the next day to be over already.
I wasn't expecting my sister to be home so early. I thought she was working until at least eight or nine, but I guess I got her schedule wrong.
I was in the middle of washing the dishes - HER dishes - because of this morning and how bad and useless I felt, when she walked in the door carrying a box of pizza (ew...).
I was sorta caught by surprise, cuz honestly the last thing I wanted was to be caught doing the dishes, I can't really explain why. I just didn't want her to see me doing them. Plus I felt oh so very awkward, so I guess I might've looked sorta weird when I said a sheepish "hi".
Well, anyway, enough of useless details. The point is that shortly after she got home, while I was still working on the sink, she started nagging me about a job again. Said she was trying to get me a job at the same place she's working at, an Italian restaurant not so far from here, which I find very improbable, because they don't hire without papers there (and my sister's in process for Residency, so she can actually work).
We ended up fighting about it.
"We're low on money, you know", she said.
"And how is that even my fault?", I replied. I don't buy shit for myself. I don't go out places. I don't spend any money AT ALL. Hell, I don't even fucking eat that much.
"I'm not saying it is, but... How about if I don't wanna pay for your stuff anymore? What if I refuse?"
I was SO baffled when I heard that, I couldn't believe my ears. At least I didn't stay quiet out of surprise, and actually let out:
"Excuse me? What SHIT do you pay for me?"
And she pauses for just a split second, but nonetheless long enough for me to notice the hesitation, and replies.
"Well, I was going to pay for your dentist tomorrow!"
"HAH! Really? You can't be fucking serious."
What I actually mean when I said that, is "You can't be fucking serious you're playing that card with me NOW, after everything I've heard you say this morning. You're not really gonna pay for shit for me, and even if you were, I wouldn't want it, because you'll just throw it in my face later on."
Besides, how much does she think the surgery's gonna be, anyway? A hundred bucks? Please. Whatever.
She continues.
"I really was!"
"Well, too bad, because I've already made up my mind to pay for it MYSELF, so thanks but no thanks."
As to which she doesn't answer and storms back into her room.
I finish washing the dishes with frustration, and end my job actually feeling worse than when I started it.
And to think that I had started it in hopes of feeling better.
First Story
How far can someone go with complete and absolute self neglect?
Without studying.
Without working.
Without exercising.
Without friends.
Without family.
Without medicine.
Without leaving the house.
Without showering.
Without eating.
With very little water.
And even then it is drank almost automatically, the body's last effort to keep a soul from falling headfirst into some, I don't know, dark... endless abyss... to simply and purely meet death itself.
If anyone out there has the answer for that question (which I am sure -somebody- in this wide world must), and if you by some miracle happen to stumble by these words I'm mindlessly typing down, I would hope you'd share with me.
Because I'm afraid I am finding it out all on my own.
And it is a long, slow, painful process.
Not only for me, but for those weaker ones who depend on me, whom I somehow managed to neglect a tiny bit less than myself.
I mean, the dog eats and drinks more than I do.
My entire body aches. I feel this sharp pang in my upper back that for some reason makes breathing just a tidbit hard too, for about a second... I have not eaten. I have not drank any water, and my mouth is dry and it's hard to move my lips. My teeth still hurt thanks to my wisdom coming in but that is possibly the pain I've been neglecting the most in the past month.
I went outside ignoring the unusual cold that we Floridians are not used to, still sporting my sleeping shorts and wifebeater shirt, along with my usual flip flops. I didn't bother to brush my hair, or to even look in the mirror to check the state of the mess. I don't need to; I know I am pale, and the circles under my eyes have only gotten worse, and that I look considerably skinnier than before, having lost over 13lbs in little over a month (but that in itself is a positive remark, if you're anything like me... which I hope you aren't). The hair just completes the look.
I couldn't waste my time with any of those things before sitting at the computer and writing this... the words would've vanished from my mind in a flash if I had neglected THEM, too.
I am very well aware that everything I type down here will come off sounding as nothing more or nothing less than depressive, dramatic, emotional bullshit, yes. Yet I can't find out how to change it. I can't change it.
This morning I woke up all on my own (Considering most mornings my 4 month old puppy wakes me up to take him outside to do his business). Something prompted me to stay exactly where I was, arm over forehead, closed eyes, deep breathing. There was conversation outside. I don't remember what was the first thing I heard, or even if it was already about me or if they started on the subject just a couple seconds after I was awake and listening.
Mother and sister both speaking, one from over the laptop probably through Skype, and the other in her room, with the door open. Afterwards I wondered to myself if she meant for me to listen after all, or if she really did think I was asleep and ignorant. Sounds mean for me to say, but I have reasons to strongly believe in the latter.
And it is so hard to make sense of it all, after it was said and done, to try to lay it all down in the form of written words. I barely know how to explain it.
That's how I end up sitting here for fifteen minutes straight, staring at the screen like it will magically show me how.
Ah... I guess it's best I just write down what I heard without trying to explain my side of the story or my point of view at this time. I mean... I don't even know who's gonna be reading this anyway... so this is a very irrational worry.
It started with them complaining about me not wanting to get a new job. Quickly turning into them complaining about me spending all my days at home, sitting at the computer and doing not much else at all. Not even the things I could and SHOULD do, like washing some dishes, or vacuumming the carpet, or caring much for my personal hygiene. Even my neglect to eat or drink angered them.
My sister would say she can't take it anymore. That I am leeching off of her. Drying her out.
She said that for as long as I have someone who will pay my bills and let me live under their roof, I won't change. That she doesn't know what to do anymore.
My mother asked why won't I look for a job. My sister answered that I simply didn't want to. The tone of her voice was nothing short of exasperated. My mother tried to suggest she talks to me about it, my sister said it was no good, no good. It made no difference.
"And to top it all off", that's how she started her next sentence, to go on to talk about my wisdom teeth coming in and pushing the rest against each other, and how much damage it's done already, to the point where some of my teeth have already turned crooked and the front bottom one is almost completely sideways. It's been getting worse by the day, but of course I neglected it. Well, yeah, it hurts, but... I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I don't even complain about the pain (out loud, that is, because I surely have told people online). My sister found out about it when it was already this way and it's 100% sure I'll need some sort of braces put in. Sigh.
Her argument is that a surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed is expensive, specially now that it's gotten bad and it'll cost even more to fix the damage. And she is angry that I expect my mother to pay for it. They continue... my mother sounds angry, too, of course, and asks my sister, almost matter-of-factly, why can't I just wait for a better time to get the surgery. My sister responds there's really no way, because if I wait any longer, the damage will just get worse, and it'll just be even more money. An endless waiting cycle, in my opinion. My sister mentions the small amount of money I somehow managed to save up on my own, before losing the job I had until recently, and mentions how I'm not willing to pay for my own surgery with the only money I have, and again how I expect my mother to help with that.
Then my mother almost yells out, angrily, for her to tell me straight to my face that she doesn't have any spare money and she's not going to pay for any surgery shit, and that I can keep my pain and my crooked teeth if I want. They mention my step father (whom, I MUST mention, has been recently electrocuted at work and spent three days in the hospital, and is now facing court for his illegal status in the country and possible deportation, along with the fact that he still has a 10,000+ debt on his shoulders for the apartment that was on his name that my mother forced him to leave overnight, threatening to call ICE on him [that's the Immigration police], and the international phone bill my aunt abused when she was here for christmas and new years, also on his name), and they mentioned why couldn't I or my sister call him and demand he pay for my surgery. My mother complains how he won't answer her phonecalls, and my sister argues that he probably won't answer hers, either. They get angrier at the shared knowledge they have that the only person he'll willingly talk to, really, is me. And that I refuse to call him to ask for anything at all, even a cup of water if ever I'm dying of dehydration. The truth is that I'd refuse to call anyone at all, even them. They feel like they are in the position where I'm asking something out of them, because they KNOW I need it. And because of other more complicated issues, too, like the fact I know my step father would skip on eating to pay for something I needed, while my mother would never give up her life of luxuries (many which she calls "needs"), to do something her daughter needed. The irony of blood connections and whatnot.
They went on about pretty much the same subjects for a little longer, stuff like how I should use my own money for the surgery, because to them it is simply unbelievable that I expect anyone else to pay for anything for me. And a little more about my neglect to do anything around the house. And not much else that I remember.
They changed the subject for a bit, to bash on other things while my sister got ready for work, and I used the time to pretend my dog had finally woken me up, got up, put him on a leash, and stepped outside as quickly as I could, without even grabbing a jacket. I felt like I couldn't hear any more of it. I had no idea what my reaction would be like if I were to look at my sister at that moment.
So I walked around outside for about twenty minutes, in sort of a daze and not thinking much about anything, just replaying the conversation in my head, while waiting for my sister to leave the house.
I didn't know what to make of all of this then, and I still don't really know any better now.
My first reaction to everything I heard was, I think naturally, anger and frustration. But that was short-lived in the face of the complete and absolute sense of uselessness and dependance.
My first reaction went something like this...
How do they expect me to get a job? I mean, I know it's true I don't -want- to work, but even if I did, how do they expect me to go about it. On top of the fact that I'm undocumented and have no papers to allow me to work, which makes FINDING one already that hard, how do they expect me to keep up with it? My sister just recently got herself a job, just a little before I was out of my last one. She's the only one who can drive, which means she'd be the one dropping me off and picking me up from work, just like we were doing before, when I was working and she stayed home. Her schedule changes every week (which I really don't get, her managers must be psycho), and she's full of days when she leaves the house early in the morning to not come back until 10 or 11 at night, even because her breaks are not long enough. And even with that crazy schedule and how much she complains about how much she's been working & tiring herself out recently, she still never fails to get home complaining about how little money she's made. How do they expect me to find a job that will: employ an undocumented person, adjust my schedule along with my sister's instead of how they need it, and deal with me not having my own way there and possibly being always late or not even making to work on some days? (which is pretty much what got me fired from my last job in the first place) This shithole of a city doesn't even have any public means of transportation I could use, like I did in Orlando. And that's not even counting the fact that it would probably be more of an expense on gas to drop me off and pick me
up from work than I could possibly make up for with the little money I'd make in those under-the-table on-the-side illegal jobs who treat undocumented kids like shit and pay below minimum wage because we can't do anything about it anyway. We're not even supposed to be working.
If anyone has a solution or a way, please tell me. Because I honestly don't see how I could at the moment.
And...
I'm sorry I actually expected my own mother, or anyone else in my family, for that matter, to pay for a surgery for me. But this hardly came at me as surprising... considering the fact she actually never DID pay for anything medical for me and I STILL, at 20 years of life, have never had a single most basic blood test, and just three months ago was my very first visit to a gynecologist ever... but of course SHE wasn't the one who paid for THAT. I had to use the money my step father had sent me to pay for my martial arts classes, because my sister convinced me to do so, saying just one month out was worth my health. Ending result, I haven't gone back to classes ever since.
Nevermind the fact I'm barely 20 years old with just a high school diploma in my hands and absolutely no way of starting college anytime soon, with very little working experience to get a decent job that would enable me to support myself and pay for my own doctor visits and medical needs. Of course I should act like a completely capable adult and use the only money I had saved up in hopes of moving back out and starting my life somewhere else where I'll be happier and able to pursue some more opportunities to better my life and find my independence. I should just act responsible and use the "at least eight hundred dollars she has in her account", as my sister put it. Which amount, I feel I must add, she is very wrong about, because she forgot to consider that even after I lost my job I still helped pay for the phone & electric bills we had. I still have two years of taxes to pay. I was going to help with the rent, too, if she hadn't received that bank offer that gives you $100 dollars when you open a new account. Oh, that's right, not mentioning as well how she still owes me about $210 more dollars out of the $500 she asked me to lend her so she could put on her fake mega hair. And to top it, she's asking me to open a new bank account for myself and count the $100 dollars the bank will give me as $100 off on the amount SHE owes me. Funny, huh?
So I gotta say that I will consider myself lucky if I even have $500 dollars left in my account.
But no matter. I am going to pay for it myself anyway. It's not like I have a choice, and I know it could get serious if I don't get them pulled out. It'll most likely take the rest of the money I have, which will ruin any chances of me going back to Orlando by myself anytime soon, or doing anything else I was planning to do. But health is health, and what I can do?
Nevermind I actually wish I -could- save up to pay for my own college, but circumstances have never let me. Not even two months into my very first job, I was forced to move out and live with roommates I found on the internet, so that I'd be able to afford my rent, bills, transportation, food, and etc., leaving absolutely no way I could've saved up any money - not making the measly $600 to $650 I made a month.
I'm not making excuses. I hate making excuses. I don't wanna hear anyone pointing the finger at me and telling me I'm making excuses. God, all-powerful and omnipotent in the heavens above, if there even IS a heaven, knows what's inside my heart and KNOWS that, BY GOD, if I had the MEANS, I'd be working hard and paying for absolutely everything I need. Even if it was just the basics, like living and medical expenses, because GOD KNOWS that I can do just fine without some more luxurious or un-needed things, like a big apartment, or expensive food, or new clothes, or a new car, or an mp3 player, or a laptop, or anything else that's not a "need"... because that's exactly how I was living when I was by myself in Orlando... and even though I could afford my living, I didn't have enough for my medical, but even that didn't bother me and I didn't complain about it, because... I was HAPPY... and I was FREE... and I had my job, and my little money, and my bike I used to go to work with, and my friends who were by my side...
I feel like just putting my head down on my arms and crying, because I feel like I made such a huge mistake in my life, and there's no way to erase it, no way to turn back time, no way to re-think my choices. This was a one-way street with no U-turns, but I had no idea it was going to be this way. And now I just don't know what to do.
I was naive to the max. I trusted the people who had abandoned me and mistreated me in the first place. I threw my entire life away because I trusted them.
And now what?
Of course I blame myself for all of this. I'm the one who's lazy and uncaring. I don't even try anymore, when I should.
The cold, hard, absolute truth is that no one has had it easy, everyone is going through something different, and at the same time that no one bothers to try to understand what the next is going through, they all just keep on struggling by, while I feel like I've given up completely. A dead weight to add to the problems and shortcomings of everyone else.
A few times already, through the moments spent outside, or walking back in to the now empty apartment, or writing this all down, I thought I'd shed some tears. The familiar knot in my throat and the white of the eyes burning, yet I didn't come even close to actually crying any.
But even after all of this, I gotta admit that I *am* thankful to God, or to whatever omnipotent force out there that might make things happen for a reason, for waking me up at the exact needed moment to listen to everything I heard this morning.
It hurt.
It made me feel like the lowest and most pathetic creature to walk this earth.
It angered me, yeah. I don't think there's any way it couldn't have.
But, and don't ask me how my brain even managed to work this way in the midst of all the other irrational emotions, as I walked outside and killed time until she left the house, for fear of looking into her eyes and being simply unable to lie, I realized that what I heard was needed. I think more than needed.
If anything, just to give me a bigger awareness, perspective of exactly WHAT kind of situation I am truly in.
Because it is so easy to get lost inside my own head and emotions.
So easy to block practically everything else out, to deny the reality that surrounds me.
I don't know if it would be easy for anybody else, but sometimes I guess I do feel like I can't deal with it all. But then I end up feeling like I just live inside my own little fairy tale.
And that worries me.
The same questions arise every time, without fail.
What will become of me.
What is my future like.
Is it just as miserable as I am feeling right now, or does it get even worse?
Sometimes I worry I might end up in a mental institution somewhere around the globe, given that I probably wouldn't be able to stay in this country.
Ah, well... if I lose my mind, I pray that at least I turn crazy enough to not remember any of this at all. You know, the kind of crazy where the person is happy inside their own minds, however insane they might be to the people observing.
Non-conforming to seemingly normal rules that society thrusts upon us from birth.
I'm afraid, I'm alone, tired, hungry and totally useless.
----------------
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
I'll try not to smile.
As I cover my head and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
I was so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
Without studying.
Without working.
Without exercising.
Without friends.
Without family.
Without medicine.
Without leaving the house.
Without showering.
Without eating.
With very little water.
And even then it is drank almost automatically, the body's last effort to keep a soul from falling headfirst into some, I don't know, dark... endless abyss... to simply and purely meet death itself.
If anyone out there has the answer for that question (which I am sure -somebody- in this wide world must), and if you by some miracle happen to stumble by these words I'm mindlessly typing down, I would hope you'd share with me.
Because I'm afraid I am finding it out all on my own.
And it is a long, slow, painful process.
Not only for me, but for those weaker ones who depend on me, whom I somehow managed to neglect a tiny bit less than myself.
I mean, the dog eats and drinks more than I do.
My entire body aches. I feel this sharp pang in my upper back that for some reason makes breathing just a tidbit hard too, for about a second... I have not eaten. I have not drank any water, and my mouth is dry and it's hard to move my lips. My teeth still hurt thanks to my wisdom coming in but that is possibly the pain I've been neglecting the most in the past month.
I went outside ignoring the unusual cold that we Floridians are not used to, still sporting my sleeping shorts and wifebeater shirt, along with my usual flip flops. I didn't bother to brush my hair, or to even look in the mirror to check the state of the mess. I don't need to; I know I am pale, and the circles under my eyes have only gotten worse, and that I look considerably skinnier than before, having lost over 13lbs in little over a month (but that in itself is a positive remark, if you're anything like me... which I hope you aren't). The hair just completes the look.
I couldn't waste my time with any of those things before sitting at the computer and writing this... the words would've vanished from my mind in a flash if I had neglected THEM, too.
I am very well aware that everything I type down here will come off sounding as nothing more or nothing less than depressive, dramatic, emotional bullshit, yes. Yet I can't find out how to change it. I can't change it.
This morning I woke up all on my own (Considering most mornings my 4 month old puppy wakes me up to take him outside to do his business). Something prompted me to stay exactly where I was, arm over forehead, closed eyes, deep breathing. There was conversation outside. I don't remember what was the first thing I heard, or even if it was already about me or if they started on the subject just a couple seconds after I was awake and listening.
Mother and sister both speaking, one from over the laptop probably through Skype, and the other in her room, with the door open. Afterwards I wondered to myself if she meant for me to listen after all, or if she really did think I was asleep and ignorant. Sounds mean for me to say, but I have reasons to strongly believe in the latter.
And it is so hard to make sense of it all, after it was said and done, to try to lay it all down in the form of written words. I barely know how to explain it.
That's how I end up sitting here for fifteen minutes straight, staring at the screen like it will magically show me how.
Ah... I guess it's best I just write down what I heard without trying to explain my side of the story or my point of view at this time. I mean... I don't even know who's gonna be reading this anyway... so this is a very irrational worry.
It started with them complaining about me not wanting to get a new job. Quickly turning into them complaining about me spending all my days at home, sitting at the computer and doing not much else at all. Not even the things I could and SHOULD do, like washing some dishes, or vacuumming the carpet, or caring much for my personal hygiene. Even my neglect to eat or drink angered them.
My sister would say she can't take it anymore. That I am leeching off of her. Drying her out.
She said that for as long as I have someone who will pay my bills and let me live under their roof, I won't change. That she doesn't know what to do anymore.
My mother asked why won't I look for a job. My sister answered that I simply didn't want to. The tone of her voice was nothing short of exasperated. My mother tried to suggest she talks to me about it, my sister said it was no good, no good. It made no difference.
"And to top it all off", that's how she started her next sentence, to go on to talk about my wisdom teeth coming in and pushing the rest against each other, and how much damage it's done already, to the point where some of my teeth have already turned crooked and the front bottom one is almost completely sideways. It's been getting worse by the day, but of course I neglected it. Well, yeah, it hurts, but... I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I don't even complain about the pain (out loud, that is, because I surely have told people online). My sister found out about it when it was already this way and it's 100% sure I'll need some sort of braces put in. Sigh.
Her argument is that a surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed is expensive, specially now that it's gotten bad and it'll cost even more to fix the damage. And she is angry that I expect my mother to pay for it. They continue... my mother sounds angry, too, of course, and asks my sister, almost matter-of-factly, why can't I just wait for a better time to get the surgery. My sister responds there's really no way, because if I wait any longer, the damage will just get worse, and it'll just be even more money. An endless waiting cycle, in my opinion. My sister mentions the small amount of money I somehow managed to save up on my own, before losing the job I had until recently, and mentions how I'm not willing to pay for my own surgery with the only money I have, and again how I expect my mother to help with that.
Then my mother almost yells out, angrily, for her to tell me straight to my face that she doesn't have any spare money and she's not going to pay for any surgery shit, and that I can keep my pain and my crooked teeth if I want. They mention my step father (whom, I MUST mention, has been recently electrocuted at work and spent three days in the hospital, and is now facing court for his illegal status in the country and possible deportation, along with the fact that he still has a 10,000+ debt on his shoulders for the apartment that was on his name that my mother forced him to leave overnight, threatening to call ICE on him [that's the Immigration police], and the international phone bill my aunt abused when she was here for christmas and new years, also on his name), and they mentioned why couldn't I or my sister call him and demand he pay for my surgery. My mother complains how he won't answer her phonecalls, and my sister argues that he probably won't answer hers, either. They get angrier at the shared knowledge they have that the only person he'll willingly talk to, really, is me. And that I refuse to call him to ask for anything at all, even a cup of water if ever I'm dying of dehydration. The truth is that I'd refuse to call anyone at all, even them. They feel like they are in the position where I'm asking something out of them, because they KNOW I need it. And because of other more complicated issues, too, like the fact I know my step father would skip on eating to pay for something I needed, while my mother would never give up her life of luxuries (many which she calls "needs"), to do something her daughter needed. The irony of blood connections and whatnot.
They went on about pretty much the same subjects for a little longer, stuff like how I should use my own money for the surgery, because to them it is simply unbelievable that I expect anyone else to pay for anything for me. And a little more about my neglect to do anything around the house. And not much else that I remember.
They changed the subject for a bit, to bash on other things while my sister got ready for work, and I used the time to pretend my dog had finally woken me up, got up, put him on a leash, and stepped outside as quickly as I could, without even grabbing a jacket. I felt like I couldn't hear any more of it. I had no idea what my reaction would be like if I were to look at my sister at that moment.
So I walked around outside for about twenty minutes, in sort of a daze and not thinking much about anything, just replaying the conversation in my head, while waiting for my sister to leave the house.
I didn't know what to make of all of this then, and I still don't really know any better now.
My first reaction to everything I heard was, I think naturally, anger and frustration. But that was short-lived in the face of the complete and absolute sense of uselessness and dependance.
My first reaction went something like this...
How do they expect me to get a job? I mean, I know it's true I don't -want- to work, but even if I did, how do they expect me to go about it. On top of the fact that I'm undocumented and have no papers to allow me to work, which makes FINDING one already that hard, how do they expect me to keep up with it? My sister just recently got herself a job, just a little before I was out of my last one. She's the only one who can drive, which means she'd be the one dropping me off and picking me up from work, just like we were doing before, when I was working and she stayed home. Her schedule changes every week (which I really don't get, her managers must be psycho), and she's full of days when she leaves the house early in the morning to not come back until 10 or 11 at night, even because her breaks are not long enough. And even with that crazy schedule and how much she complains about how much she's been working & tiring herself out recently, she still never fails to get home complaining about how little money she's made. How do they expect me to find a job that will: employ an undocumented person, adjust my schedule along with my sister's instead of how they need it, and deal with me not having my own way there and possibly being always late or not even making to work on some days? (which is pretty much what got me fired from my last job in the first place) This shithole of a city doesn't even have any public means of transportation I could use, like I did in Orlando. And that's not even counting the fact that it would probably be more of an expense on gas to drop me off and pick me
up from work than I could possibly make up for with the little money I'd make in those under-the-table on-the-side illegal jobs who treat undocumented kids like shit and pay below minimum wage because we can't do anything about it anyway. We're not even supposed to be working.
If anyone has a solution or a way, please tell me. Because I honestly don't see how I could at the moment.
And...
I'm sorry I actually expected my own mother, or anyone else in my family, for that matter, to pay for a surgery for me. But this hardly came at me as surprising... considering the fact she actually never DID pay for anything medical for me and I STILL, at 20 years of life, have never had a single most basic blood test, and just three months ago was my very first visit to a gynecologist ever... but of course SHE wasn't the one who paid for THAT. I had to use the money my step father had sent me to pay for my martial arts classes, because my sister convinced me to do so, saying just one month out was worth my health. Ending result, I haven't gone back to classes ever since.
Nevermind the fact I'm barely 20 years old with just a high school diploma in my hands and absolutely no way of starting college anytime soon, with very little working experience to get a decent job that would enable me to support myself and pay for my own doctor visits and medical needs. Of course I should act like a completely capable adult and use the only money I had saved up in hopes of moving back out and starting my life somewhere else where I'll be happier and able to pursue some more opportunities to better my life and find my independence. I should just act responsible and use the "at least eight hundred dollars she has in her account", as my sister put it. Which amount, I feel I must add, she is very wrong about, because she forgot to consider that even after I lost my job I still helped pay for the phone & electric bills we had. I still have two years of taxes to pay. I was going to help with the rent, too, if she hadn't received that bank offer that gives you $100 dollars when you open a new account. Oh, that's right, not mentioning as well how she still owes me about $210 more dollars out of the $500 she asked me to lend her so she could put on her fake mega hair. And to top it, she's asking me to open a new bank account for myself and count the $100 dollars the bank will give me as $100 off on the amount SHE owes me. Funny, huh?
So I gotta say that I will consider myself lucky if I even have $500 dollars left in my account.
But no matter. I am going to pay for it myself anyway. It's not like I have a choice, and I know it could get serious if I don't get them pulled out. It'll most likely take the rest of the money I have, which will ruin any chances of me going back to Orlando by myself anytime soon, or doing anything else I was planning to do. But health is health, and what I can do?
Nevermind I actually wish I -could- save up to pay for my own college, but circumstances have never let me. Not even two months into my very first job, I was forced to move out and live with roommates I found on the internet, so that I'd be able to afford my rent, bills, transportation, food, and etc., leaving absolutely no way I could've saved up any money - not making the measly $600 to $650 I made a month.
I'm not making excuses. I hate making excuses. I don't wanna hear anyone pointing the finger at me and telling me I'm making excuses. God, all-powerful and omnipotent in the heavens above, if there even IS a heaven, knows what's inside my heart and KNOWS that, BY GOD, if I had the MEANS, I'd be working hard and paying for absolutely everything I need. Even if it was just the basics, like living and medical expenses, because GOD KNOWS that I can do just fine without some more luxurious or un-needed things, like a big apartment, or expensive food, or new clothes, or a new car, or an mp3 player, or a laptop, or anything else that's not a "need"... because that's exactly how I was living when I was by myself in Orlando... and even though I could afford my living, I didn't have enough for my medical, but even that didn't bother me and I didn't complain about it, because... I was HAPPY... and I was FREE... and I had my job, and my little money, and my bike I used to go to work with, and my friends who were by my side...
I feel like just putting my head down on my arms and crying, because I feel like I made such a huge mistake in my life, and there's no way to erase it, no way to turn back time, no way to re-think my choices. This was a one-way street with no U-turns, but I had no idea it was going to be this way. And now I just don't know what to do.
I was naive to the max. I trusted the people who had abandoned me and mistreated me in the first place. I threw my entire life away because I trusted them.
And now what?
Of course I blame myself for all of this. I'm the one who's lazy and uncaring. I don't even try anymore, when I should.
The cold, hard, absolute truth is that no one has had it easy, everyone is going through something different, and at the same time that no one bothers to try to understand what the next is going through, they all just keep on struggling by, while I feel like I've given up completely. A dead weight to add to the problems and shortcomings of everyone else.
A few times already, through the moments spent outside, or walking back in to the now empty apartment, or writing this all down, I thought I'd shed some tears. The familiar knot in my throat and the white of the eyes burning, yet I didn't come even close to actually crying any.
But even after all of this, I gotta admit that I *am* thankful to God, or to whatever omnipotent force out there that might make things happen for a reason, for waking me up at the exact needed moment to listen to everything I heard this morning.
It hurt.
It made me feel like the lowest and most pathetic creature to walk this earth.
It angered me, yeah. I don't think there's any way it couldn't have.
But, and don't ask me how my brain even managed to work this way in the midst of all the other irrational emotions, as I walked outside and killed time until she left the house, for fear of looking into her eyes and being simply unable to lie, I realized that what I heard was needed. I think more than needed.
If anything, just to give me a bigger awareness, perspective of exactly WHAT kind of situation I am truly in.
Because it is so easy to get lost inside my own head and emotions.
So easy to block practically everything else out, to deny the reality that surrounds me.
I don't know if it would be easy for anybody else, but sometimes I guess I do feel like I can't deal with it all. But then I end up feeling like I just live inside my own little fairy tale.
And that worries me.
The same questions arise every time, without fail.
What will become of me.
What is my future like.
Is it just as miserable as I am feeling right now, or does it get even worse?
Sometimes I worry I might end up in a mental institution somewhere around the globe, given that I probably wouldn't be able to stay in this country.
Ah, well... if I lose my mind, I pray that at least I turn crazy enough to not remember any of this at all. You know, the kind of crazy where the person is happy inside their own minds, however insane they might be to the people observing.
Non-conforming to seemingly normal rules that society thrusts upon us from birth.
I'm afraid, I'm alone, tired, hungry and totally useless.
----------------
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
I'll try not to smile.
As I cover my head and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
I was so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
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