First Story

How far can someone go with complete and absolute self neglect?


Without studying.

Without working.

Without exercising.

Without friends.

Without family.

Without medicine.

Without leaving the house.

Without showering.

Without eating.

With very little water.

And even then it is drank almost automatically, the body's last effort to keep a soul from falling headfirst into some, I don't know, dark... endless abyss... to simply and purely meet death itself.
If anyone out there has the answer for that question (which I am sure -somebody- in this wide world must), and if you by some miracle happen to stumble by these words I'm mindlessly typing down, I would hope you'd share with me.

Because I'm afraid I am finding it out all on my own.

And it is a long, slow, painful process.
Not only for me, but for those weaker ones who depend on me, whom I somehow managed to neglect a tiny bit less than myself.

I mean, the dog eats and drinks more than I do.



My entire body aches. I feel this sharp pang in my upper back that for some reason makes breathing just a tidbit hard too, for about a second... I have not eaten. I have not drank any water, and my mouth is dry and it's hard to move my lips. My teeth still hurt thanks to my wisdom coming in but that is possibly the pain I've been neglecting the most in the past month.
I went outside ignoring the unusual cold that we Floridians are not used to, still sporting my sleeping shorts and wifebeater shirt, along with my usual flip flops. I didn't bother to brush my hair, or to even look in the mirror to check the state of the mess. I don't need to; I know I am pale, and the circles under my eyes have only gotten worse, and that I look considerably skinnier than before, having lost over 13lbs in little over a month (but that in itself is a positive remark, if you're anything like me... which I hope you aren't). The hair just completes the look.
I couldn't waste my time with any of those things before sitting at the computer and writing this... the words would've vanished from my mind in a flash if I had neglected THEM, too.




I am very well aware that everything I type down here will come off sounding as nothing more or nothing less than depressive, dramatic, emotional bullshit, yes. Yet I can't find out how to change it. I can't change it.


This morning I woke up all on my own (Considering most mornings my 4 month old puppy wakes me up to take him outside to do his business). Something prompted me to stay exactly where I was, arm over forehead, closed eyes, deep breathing. There was conversation outside. I don't remember what was the first thing I heard, or even if it was already about me or if they started on the subject just a couple seconds after I was awake and listening.
Mother and sister both speaking, one from over the laptop probably through Skype, and the other in her room, with the door open. Afterwards I wondered to myself if she meant for me to listen after all, or if she really did think I was asleep and ignorant. Sounds mean for me to say, but I have reasons to strongly believe in the latter.

And it is so hard to make sense of it all, after it was said and done, to try to lay it all down in the form of written words. I barely know how to explain it.
That's how I end up sitting here for fifteen minutes straight, staring at the screen like it will magically show me how.
Ah... I guess it's best I just write down what I heard without trying to explain my side of the story or my point of view at this time. I mean... I don't even know who's gonna be reading this anyway... so this is a very irrational worry.


It started with them complaining about me not wanting to get a new job. Quickly turning into them complaining about me spending all my days at home, sitting at the computer and doing not much else at all. Not even the things I could and SHOULD do, like washing some dishes, or vacuumming the carpet, or caring much for my personal hygiene. Even my neglect to eat or drink angered them.
My sister would say she can't take it anymore. That I am leeching off of her. Drying her out.
She said that for as long as I have someone who will pay my bills and let me live under their roof, I won't change. That she doesn't know what to do anymore.
My mother asked why won't I look for a job. My sister answered that I simply didn't want to. The tone of her voice was nothing short of exasperated. My mother tried to suggest she talks to me about it, my sister said it was no good, no good. It made no difference.
"And to top it all off", that's how she started her next sentence, to go on to talk about my wisdom teeth coming in and pushing the rest against each other, and how much damage it's done already, to the point where some of my teeth have already turned crooked and the front bottom one is almost completely sideways. It's been getting worse by the day, but of course I neglected it. Well, yeah, it hurts, but... I just don't have the motivation to do anything about it. I don't even complain about the pain (out loud, that is, because I surely have told people online). My sister found out about it when it was already this way and it's 100% sure I'll need some sort of braces put in. Sigh.
Her argument is that a surgery to get my wisdom teeth removed is expensive, specially now that it's gotten bad and it'll cost even more to fix the damage. And she is angry that I expect my mother to pay for it. They continue... my mother sounds angry, too, of course, and asks my sister, almost matter-of-factly, why can't I just wait for a better time to get the surgery. My sister responds there's really no way, because if I wait any longer, the damage will just get worse, and it'll just be even more money. An endless waiting cycle, in my opinion. My sister mentions the small amount of money I somehow managed to save up on my own, before losing the job I had until recently, and mentions how I'm not willing to pay for my own surgery with the only money I have, and again how I expect my mother to help with that.
Then my mother almost yells out, angrily, for her to tell me straight to my face that she doesn't have any spare money and she's not going to pay for any surgery shit, and that I can keep my pain and my crooked teeth if I want. They mention my step father (whom, I MUST mention, has been recently electrocuted at work and spent three days in the hospital, and is now facing court for his illegal status in the country and possible deportation, along with the fact that he still has a 10,000+ debt on his shoulders for the apartment that was on his name that my mother forced him to leave overnight, threatening to call ICE on him [that's the Immigration police], and the international phone bill my aunt abused when she was here for christmas and new years, also on his name), and they mentioned why couldn't I or my sister call him and demand he pay for my surgery. My mother complains how he won't answer her phonecalls, and my sister argues that he probably won't answer hers, either. They get angrier at the shared knowledge they have that the only person he'll willingly talk to, really, is me. And that I refuse to call him to ask for anything at all, even a cup of water if ever I'm dying of dehydration. The truth is that I'd refuse to call anyone at all, even them. They feel like they are in the position where I'm asking something out of them, because they KNOW I need it. And because of other more complicated issues, too, like the fact I know my step father would skip on eating to pay for something I needed, while my mother would never give up her life of luxuries (many which she calls "needs"), to do something her daughter needed. The irony of blood connections and whatnot.
They went on about pretty much the same subjects for a little longer, stuff like how I should use my own money for the surgery, because to them it is simply unbelievable that I expect anyone else to pay for anything for me. And a little more about my neglect to do anything around the house. And not much else that I remember.
They changed the subject for a bit, to bash on other things while my sister got ready for work, and I used the time to pretend my dog had finally woken me up, got up, put him on a leash, and stepped outside as quickly as I could, without even grabbing a jacket. I felt like I couldn't hear any more of it. I had no idea what my reaction would be like if I were to look at my sister at that moment.
So I walked around outside for about twenty minutes, in sort of a daze and not thinking much about anything, just replaying the conversation in my head, while waiting for my sister to leave the house.


I didn't know what to make of all of this then, and I still don't really know any better now.
My first reaction to everything I heard was, I think naturally, anger and frustration. But that was short-lived in the face of the complete and absolute sense of uselessness and dependance.

My first reaction went something like this...

How do they expect me to get a job? I mean, I know it's true I don't -want- to work, but even if I did, how do they expect me to go about it. On top of the fact that I'm undocumented and have no papers to allow me to work, which makes FINDING one already that hard, how do they expect me to keep up with it? My sister just recently got herself a job, just a little before I was out of my last one. She's the only one who can drive, which means she'd be the one dropping me off and picking me up from work, just like we were doing before, when I was working and she stayed home. Her schedule changes every week (which I really don't get, her managers must be psycho), and she's full of days when she leaves the house early in the morning to not come back until 10 or 11 at night, even because her breaks are not long enough. And even with that crazy schedule and how much she complains about how much she's been working & tiring herself out recently, she still never fails to get home complaining about how little money she's made. How do they expect me to find a job that will: employ an undocumented person, adjust my schedule along with my sister's instead of how they need it, and deal with me not having my own way there and possibly being always late or not even making to work on some days? (which is pretty much what got me fired from my last job in the first place) This shithole of a city doesn't even have any public means of transportation I could use, like I did in Orlando. And that's not even counting the fact that it would probably be more of an expense on gas to drop me off and pick me
up from work than I could possibly make up for with the little money I'd make in those under-the-table on-the-side illegal jobs who treat undocumented kids like shit and pay below minimum wage because we can't do anything about it anyway. We're not even supposed to be working.
If anyone has a solution or a way, please tell me. Because I honestly don't see how I could at the moment.

And...

I'm sorry I actually expected my own mother, or anyone else in my family, for that matter, to pay for a surgery for me. But this hardly came at me as surprising... considering the fact she actually never DID pay for anything medical for me and I STILL, at 20 years of life, have never had a single most basic blood test, and just three months ago was my very first visit to a gynecologist ever... but of course SHE wasn't the one who paid for THAT. I had to use the money my step father had sent me to pay for my martial arts classes, because my sister convinced me to do so, saying just one month out was worth my health. Ending result, I haven't gone back to classes ever since.
Nevermind the fact I'm barely 20 years old with just a high school diploma in my hands and absolutely no way of starting college anytime soon, with very little working experience to get a decent job that would enable me to support myself and pay for my own doctor visits and medical needs. Of course I should act like a completely capable adult and use the only money I had saved up in hopes of moving back out and starting my life somewhere else where I'll be happier and able to pursue some more opportunities to better my life and find my independence. I should just act responsible and use the "at least eight hundred dollars she has in her account", as my sister put it. Which amount, I feel I must add, she is very wrong about, because she forgot to consider that even after I lost my job I still helped pay for the phone & electric bills we had. I still have two years of taxes to pay. I was going to help with the rent, too, if she hadn't received that bank offer that gives you $100 dollars when you open a new account. Oh, that's right, not mentioning as well how she still owes me about $210 more dollars out of the $500 she asked me to lend her so she could put on her fake mega hair. And to top it, she's asking me to open a new bank account for myself and count the $100 dollars the bank will give me as $100 off on the amount SHE owes me. Funny, huh?
So I gotta say that I will consider myself lucky if I even have $500 dollars left in my account.
But no matter. I am going to pay for it myself anyway. It's not like I have a choice, and I know it could get serious if I don't get them pulled out. It'll most likely take the rest of the money I have, which will ruin any chances of me going back to Orlando by myself anytime soon, or doing anything else I was planning to do. But health is health, and what I can do?
Nevermind I actually wish I -could- save up to pay for my own college, but circumstances have never let me. Not even two months into my very first job, I was forced to move out and live with roommates I found on the internet, so that I'd be able to afford my rent, bills, transportation, food, and etc., leaving absolutely no way I could've saved up any money - not making the measly $600 to $650 I made a month.
I'm not making excuses. I hate making excuses. I don't wanna hear anyone pointing the finger at me and telling me I'm making excuses. God, all-powerful and omnipotent in the heavens above, if there even IS a heaven, knows what's inside my heart and KNOWS that, BY GOD, if I had the MEANS, I'd be working hard and paying for absolutely everything I need. Even if it was just the basics, like living and medical expenses, because GOD KNOWS that I can do just fine without some more luxurious or un-needed things, like a big apartment, or expensive food, or new clothes, or a new car, or an mp3 player, or a laptop, or anything else that's not a "need"... because that's exactly how I was living when I was by myself in Orlando... and even though I could afford my living, I didn't have enough for my medical, but even that didn't bother me and I didn't complain about it, because... I was HAPPY... and I was FREE... and I had my job, and my little money, and my bike I used to go to work with, and my friends who were by my side...
I feel like just putting my head down on my arms and crying, because I feel like I made such a huge mistake in my life, and there's no way to erase it, no way to turn back time, no way to re-think my choices. This was a one-way street with no U-turns, but I had no idea it was going to be this way. And now I just don't know what to do.
I was naive to the max. I trusted the people who had abandoned me and mistreated me in the first place. I threw my entire life away because I trusted them.
And now what?







Of course I blame myself for all of this. I'm the one who's lazy and uncaring. I don't even try anymore, when I should.

The cold, hard, absolute truth is that no one has had it easy, everyone is going through something different, and at the same time that no one bothers to try to understand what the next is going through, they all just keep on struggling by, while I feel like I've given up completely. A dead weight to add to the problems and shortcomings of everyone else.


A few times already, through the moments spent outside, or walking back in to the now empty apartment, or writing this all down, I thought I'd shed some tears. The familiar knot in my throat and the white of the eyes burning, yet I didn't come even close to actually crying any.



But even after all of this, I gotta admit that I *am* thankful to God, or to whatever omnipotent force out there that might make things happen for a reason, for waking me up at the exact needed moment to listen to everything I heard this morning.

It hurt.

It made me feel like the lowest and most pathetic creature to walk this earth.

It angered me, yeah. I don't think there's any way it couldn't have.

But, and don't ask me how my brain even managed to work this way in the midst of all the other irrational emotions, as I walked outside and killed time until she left the house, for fear of looking into her eyes and being simply unable to lie, I realized that what I heard was needed. I think more than needed.
If anything, just to give me a bigger awareness, perspective of exactly WHAT kind of situation I am truly in.

Because it is so easy to get lost inside my own head and emotions.
So easy to block practically everything else out, to deny the reality that surrounds me.
I don't know if it would be easy for anybody else, but sometimes I guess I do feel like I can't deal with it all. But then I end up feeling like I just live inside my own little fairy tale.
And that worries me.

The same questions arise every time, without fail.

What will become of me.

What is my future like.

Is it just as miserable as I am feeling right now, or does it get even worse?

Sometimes I worry I might end up in a mental institution somewhere around the globe, given that I probably wouldn't be able to stay in this country.

Ah, well... if I lose my mind, I pray that at least I turn crazy enough to not remember any of this at all. You know, the kind of crazy where the person is happy inside their own minds, however insane they might be to the people observing.
Non-conforming to seemingly normal rules that society thrusts upon us from birth.

I'm afraid, I'm alone, tired, hungry and totally useless.



----------------



Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.


Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.


Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
I'll try not to smile.
As I cover my head and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
I was so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.