Fifth Story - March For Reform, Health Care Victory, more Activism, and endless worries

Hey ya'll! Great to be writing here again. I actually had the whole day to stay at home today and it feels sorta awkward now that I've started getting used to the whole busy life again. But I figured I'd use the time wisely, so before I came to write here I was washing some clothes, making my resume online, applying for some more jobs through craigslist, and checking my e-mail for important and relevant stuff. Without much more ado, let's go into the important things.

This past Friday we had an event here in downtown Orlando, at Lake Eola, for the DREAM Act, and we had lots of people coming from all over Florida, mostly from down South, so it was quite good. I wouldn't say it made much of an impact, specially since we ran late and didn't have time to go to Lemieux's office, but it was a great personal experience for me and I feel like I got to learn a lot from it. It was also very encouraging for all of us who were there. We had great speakers, one of my favorites was Jai, this absolutely amazing girl from Haiti, who made us all have tears in our eyes by the end of her speech. I was also one of the speakers, although I read straight from the paper I had written on, it was my first speech and all. I was shaking real bad because I was so nervous, but I managed to keep my voice steady, loud, and clear. I'm still working on getting my hands on the videos people filmed of the event, including my speech, but while that doesn't happen, I'll go ahead and share with you guys what I said in my speech. It's not nearly as powerful as actually listening to it being delivered, I must warn you. This is a slightly modified version of it, I had to change bits and pieces so it could be posted on the DreamActivist website, but it's not by much at all.

My name is Belle, I am 20 years old, and I am a DREAM Act beneficiary. I am originally from Brazil, and I first came to live in the United States when I was 13 years old. Because of family matters, I have not been able to go back ever since, and have been living with friends and roommates since I was 19, up to that point staying with my step father. My family is mostly all still in Brazil, they're incapable and thus won't help support me. I am proud to say I've always been a very good student, getting my GPA as high as 3.5. Around the time I found out about my situation, I lost hope because I saw no future for me, and that took a toll on my studies and my GPA went drastically down, but I was still able to graduate with honors and recommendation letters.
Living here since the beginning of my teenage years and having very little contact with the culture I am originally from, I act, speak, think, and feel much more like an American. I am proud to call this country my home, and English my language. I grew up here, learned how to be an adult here, and how to fight from my DREAMS here. I would not be who I am today if I hadn't called this place my home and gone through what I have been through.
Right now my plans of going to college might be delayed, but I still have every intent of achieving that goal and getting my 4-year degree towards becoming a Psychologist. I want to do that because I believe there are a lot of people that need to be heard and helped. I want to help as many people as possible, so they won't have to go through something similar to what I went through alone. Someone's mental state is not something to be ignored. I want to be able to give back to the society which I call my own.
My opinion is that the DREAM Act should be passed for several reasons. It will greatly benefit both sides of this equation. We have these bright young people who are in this horrible situation through no fault of their own, who are incredibly capable and talented, but right now all that talent is going to waste. These people are Americans for all intent and purposes. The DREAM Act needs to be passed NOW.
We are stuck in time. Life's at a standstill. For most of us, there is NO way out. We need to stand up and fight to stop this reign of terror against completely innocent people who have never committed a crime in their lives. People who have only worked hard for their hopes, dreams, and aspirations, and can never be recognized for it. Each person here, each voice, each action, is crucial in this fight for human rights. This is the right thing to do. In the end, the difference will still be YOU. We are not backing down, we are not giving up. I know I am not. Because I... I have the heart of a lion.

Alright... so the day after that was when we left from Orlando into our DC trip. It was roughly fifteen hours inside the bus, we passed by Georgia, South & North Carolina, Virginia, etc, until we made it into the District of Columbia at around 6am on Sunday. The rally didn't start until around 2pm so my friends and I couldn't help but go sightseeing a little bit. We saw the Washington Monument, the White House, the Capitol Hill, the Smithsonian Institute & the Museum, and walked around a ton. Bunches of pictures. At the rally, I got frustrated because it was mainly held in Spanish, and they didn't even bother to translate it. I was angry because, being in the middle of all those people (news have been saying it was 200 thousand plus people, and I believe it), I tired of seeing different racial groups, such as Asians, and plenty of Americans, and otherwise other kinds of people who couldn't understand jack diddly of what was being said. I thought it was horribly selfish and unfair of them to hold a National Rally demanding immigration reform, and treat it like the only immigrants in this country are Latinos. It got my blood boiling. I don't care what others tell me, I think that if you wanna come into this country, and demand your rights to live here and call this home, you better start making plans of calling English your language, too. It doesn't make sense, to me. You're protesting something, hoping it makes its way to Congress, hoping it reaches the already hard-heads up in government, and you do it all in a language most of them can't comprehend? Real smooth. Morons.
Because of that reason, I ended up not paying attention to most of what was going on. I tuned in when they showed the video clip of Obama speaking, and the one with the Trail of Dreams kids. I was a bit frustrated about the speech Obama made, too, because right now I feel like he only makes these pretty speeches to the Latino communities and the groups that support immigration reform. But when it came down to business, like for example in the State of the Union Speech, he completely ignored the issue. He's only supportive when it's in front of us. Behind our backs, he acts like immigration is not a pressing issue at all. So I got angry when people started cheering to what he said and shit. I called it a lie. Because that's what it seems like to me. I'll start seeing it as the truth when I start seeing something being done about it.
Finally, the actual march was delayed by about an hour, so we didn't walk much with them, since our bus captain was throwing a fit about us being back by the parking lot on time. I also heard that the whole thing didn't really make it to national television, which was a bummer, but I guess it has its good sides, too. Maybe we don't need THAT much coverage right about now. Don't want to attract anti-immigration groups' attentions and such.

The other issue I was gonna talk about was Leslie, the Miami Dade 18-year-old girl who was detained for no effing reason at all. But I heard from a source that she was already let go (as of today, I do believe), so for right now we can celebrate, but I doubt that her case is over. Just like Walter Lara's. (OH by the way, I met him too!! I got pictures with him and such, he came to the Orlando event, it was great <3)
Just for the record, though, here's Leslie's story.

Please Read, Sign,& share this petition
http://action.dreamactivist.org/leslie/


At about 8:30 in the morning on Friday, March 12, 2010, 18-year-old Leslie Cocche was on her way to the Miami Dade College (MDC) Wolfson Campus – where she majors in criminal justice administration because she hopes to become a forensic analyst. Leslie has been an honors student her whole life.

But on this Friday, Leslie would not make it to campus.While walking to the platform of the Tri-Rail station in Ft. Lauderdale, Leslie was approached by a Customs and Border Protection agent who unnecessarily questioned her and asked her for documentation.

Leslie produced her student ID card, but apparently this did not suffice. The agent proceeded to handcuff Leslie and put her on a patrol van; shortly after, she was on her way to Broward Transitional Center, a detention center for immigrants in Pompano Beach, FL.

A few days prior to Leslie’s detention, a spokesman from the Department of Homeland Security said, "[The Obama] administration is focused on smart, effective immigration enforcement that focuses first on those dangerous criminal aliens who present the greatest risk to the security of our communities, not sweeps or raids to target undocumented immigrants indiscriminately." Yet days later, Leslie, a high-achieving 18-year-old student and a vital asset to our community, was detained on her way to class and could soon be deported from the “land of the free.”

Leslie came to the United States from Peru in 2001 when she was ten years old. As a child, Leslie excelled academically, repeatedly earning the Principal’s Honor Roll for achieving a 4.0 GPA at New River middle school. Leslie continued to excel in Stranahan high school, where she was part of the competitive medical magnet program and was on the Honor Roll for her outstanding performance in her honors and advanced placement classes. She also earned a school-wide Gold Award for her high FCAT scores and was inducted to the National Honors Society for having achieved the same qualities of scholarship, leadership, service, character, citizenship.

Aside from her academic achievements, Leslie also pursued her passion for dance. While in high school, Leslie was an active member of the “Elements Dance Group” which practices and performs jazz, ballet, and contemporary dance. Outside of school, she belonged to the Kuyayky Foundation’s Sumaj Tusuy Andean dance ensemble, and often performed for charitable functions.

When she was not studying or dancing, Leslie strived to serve her community. As she walked in her high school graduation, Leslie wore a Silver cord, indicating that she had completed over 460 hours of community service. Leslie was also one of just twelve high school seniors who completed an internship at Broward General Hospital, where she helped the hospital’s staff and took care of patients. As an active volunteer at the Kuyayky Foundation Leslie helped fundraising efforts to send aid to the 2007 earthquake victims in Peru, as well as send a holiday breakfast and toys for three consecutive years two to over two thousand impoverished children and mothers in the Peruvian highlands. Actually, if Leslie had not been detained on that unfortunate Friday morning, she would have been a volunteer to set up a benefit show to aid the people of earthquake-stricken Chile.

Without a doubt, Leslie’s detention is a loss to our community. Why are dreams deferred in the "land of opportunity"? If the Obama administration is seriously focusing on “dangerous criminal aliens,” Department of Homeland Security must stop the senseless raids and random questioning that lead to unnecessary detention.

Leslie’s detention represents the need for legislation such as the DREAM Act, which would allow Leslie’s dreams, and the dreams of the thousands of other students in her situation who this country has already invested so much in, to become a reality.

Leslie needs our help now. Demand that Janet Napolitano and John Morton release Leslie Cocche now, and stop deferring the dreams of others like her.

Well, I think that for activism and events concerning CIR and DREAM, that's about it. This week seems to finally be slow for me, which gives me a chance to recharge, and go job hunting. I'm super worried about money lately. This is when the ugly side of me starts to come out, so if you wanna stop reading here, feel free.
My family is so incompetent, I fully blame them for the position that I am in right now. I have to pay 250 dollars rent by April 1st, but I only have 18 dollars in my bank account right now. My wisdom teeth surgery was close to 600 dollars, I still need those braces, my sister still owes me almost 300. Ever since I left that horrid place and the company of the people who call themselves my family, I've had to spend the rest of the money I had saved up, for necessary things, like groceries. I've been holding on to as much as possible, but being undocumented and not being able to legally find a job, employment has been almost impossible here in this city, also for the fact I don't have a reliable means of transport, therefore leading to me having absolutely no idea how I'm gonna find the 250 dollars for rent in about a week. *major sigh*
I even got some calls back from some jobs I've applied to, but I wasn't able to get to any of them due to buses not going that far, or not having a ride, etc. I still need to make some calls for some odd jobs I'm supposed to be doing. Hey, right now, anything will have to do. I barely have money for food, and it's incredible that it's taken me having to write that sentence down to go through my head how difficult things really are for me right now.

I got a phone call just about an hour ago, it was my aunt from Portugal. We talked a bit on the phone, and when I told her I only had 18 dollars in my pocket, she said she's gonna send me $100 dollars. Of course I accepted it, since I really really really need it right now, but of course I had to hear some guilt tripping and bitching in exchange for it. I don't wanna go into much detail about it right now, I'll just say that I don't trust her and that's about it. I need the money, I'm grateful for it, it shows that God is watching out for me and that by His will I will never be left without a roof over my head or my daily bread. It's little by little that we get things accomplished. And if it means I have something better waiting for me in my future, I am quite willing to go through this right now. I know the war is hardly over, but I just try to keep myself going every day by repeating in my head, the night is always at its darkest right before the dawn. It's true.

Lately I've been having some communication problems with my friends. I know some of them are not happy with me at all. I know I've done some things wrong. I know I can seem cold and uncaring at times. It's just so hard to have to take care of all of this at the same time, and I'm just one person. I do have a lot going on in my mind. I haven't spoken to two of my dearest friends ever since they dropped me off in Orlando, and I know that they feel like I'm being ungrateful. They probably don't read this blog anymore, so I don't know if it makes much difference to write here. But they haven't answered my texts or phone calls, so I guess all I can do right now is wait for the dust to come down and try to talk to them later on.

Also another thing that has me worried is my step dad. I don't recall if I mentioned him here in this blog before, but before I came back to Orlando, he had an accident at work, got electrocuted, spent three days in a hospital, and because of some stupidity by his boss and the insurance company, he was sent to court - because he doesn't have papers and isn't supposed to be working in the country. The last I heard of him, he had just gotten out of court and there was a chance he might've been sent deported. Ever since then, he disconnected his phone line, and I tried sending him e-mails and such, but he hasn't answered them. I haven't heard from him since. So that's definitely something that's been on my mind, since I have absolutely no idea where he's at, who he's with, or what's happened to him... sigh. I hope he contacts me soon. It's just so much to worry about.

So, the one last thing I have swimming in my head to write down here would be that I'm still scared to share this blog in public, and to my friends and acquaintances. I mean, it sounds silly if you think that I've already said I'm undocumented in public, in the middle of Lake Eola, but it's still a very vivid fear. I guess because this blog has so many more personal things. I was contemplating the idea of posting the link to this blog on Facebook, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet.

Well, for now, that seems about it! Whew. It was a lot, wasn't it. I guess I got you guys all caught up now. It's good to have some free time. Now I need to get back to my job hunting, and I'll post again when something more happens and when I get a chance to be on a computer again.

Thanks to everyone who's read all this. See ya!

Fourth Story - Escape, Soreness, Worry, and lots of Activism

So, like I predicted, I didn't have the time or the access to a computer for long enough to update this blog. How are you guys doing? I didn't mean to spend three weeks away, but I didn't have a choice. It sucks not having a laptop, much more not having the MONEY for a laptop. Or, not being able to work for the money for a laptop, I should say. I think that's what sucks the most.

Alright, so I'm gonna go ahead and try to catch this blog up with everything that happened in the last three weeks, but try to be quick about it. It's actually already three thirty in the morning and I have to be up by ten. I've always been such a horrible procrastinator. I'm super tired too, but there's still a lot to do. I just really wanted to write here so I'm procrastinating a bit more.

Unfortunately I can't go into details, cuz if I do, I won't be done until seven in the morning or later, who knows. But I can say that I have actually been enjoying myself quite a lot ever since I came back to O Town. Gosh, I missed this city so much. I cannot possibly express in words how happy I am to be back here, and out of that hellhole I was at before.

Sorry... Without further ado...
I spent that one last weekend of February with my friends in Miami, that was after my wisdom teeth surgery. It wasn't easy, but I hardly had anything to complain about. I was so happy to just BE there. My friends took very good care of me. I wanna show them how grateful I am for taking me out of the state I was in before, but I'm afraid I've been horrible at it lately. Life picked up exactly where I had left it off before moving away almost five months ago, and I got so overwhelmed and busy, that I actually had quite a few people who got frustrated or straight out angry at me, for not giving them the attention they deserve. For that I am sorry, and I recognize I am terrible at communication. My procrastinator nature doesn't help either. I'm working on that, I promise.
Well, that last weekend of February was great, I met some really nice people down there, it was a bit stressful because of the move, all the driving, my post-surgery state, and how far everything seemed to be, but in the end all worked out fine.
I got dropped off at my other friend's place at almost four in the morning, and that's how... the chaos... started.
Again, trying not to go into much detail here. I went back to my martial arts academy first thing. I can't describe everyone's reaction better than plain surprise. I heard a lot about my looks and how much weight I seem to have lost. I liked that, of course.
Going back into training has been rough. My body's not used to the strain anymore, after so long in a standstill, so I always seem to be horribly sore as of late.
A lot of people calling, wanting to see me, to hang out. I don't make plans, I either let people make them for me, or I make it up as we go along. I found, throughout the course of my life, that that works a million times better than trying to plan something.

I also found a way to join the O-town DREAM Act Coalition almost as soon as I was in town, and I've been super excited ever since. This is possibly one of the highlights of this post. The coalition, as of late, has been using me to help them promote and organize stuff. I'm excited about this Friday's Gathering downtown, to talk about the DREAM Act and visit some congressmens' offices and such. I somehow got to be a speaker for it so I'm sharing my story and talking a bit about the bill. I'm supposed to be working on that speech right now, actually, but of course I'm procrastinating. Besides, it's so late and I'm so tired anyway, that if I tried to write anything down it would just sound like it came from a drunk.
I will definitely try to get it recorded, tho. Hehe.

Asides from that, I am going to Washington DC this weekend for the March for Immigration Reform they're having in front of the white house. I got my pass for free and such. Not much else to say about that.

So, all in all, I am super happy that I'm getting to be so much more involved in the cause and on my way to become an actual Activist. Wooo!

Of course there's shittons more I wish I could talk about here, but I am almost falling asleep on my keyboard so I have to go now. Glad I was able to at least make some sort of update. I'll try to type up something more as soon as I get a chance again.




" I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it’s like to be new
'Cause in my head there’s a Greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they’re far more suited then here

And I cannot guess what we’ll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true that there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you than I hope it takes me too
So Brown Eyes I’ll hold you near ‘cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body... "

Filler - Central Florida Students Hand Deliver UCF Resolution to Sen. Bill Nelson

Alright, so I never had the time to finish writing about the weekend, so I guess I'll do it as soon as I get a chance. Here's a good article to fill up some time while I go to O-town and get settled and such.


http://www.centralfloridafuture.com/students-supporters-hand-deliver-resolution-1.2172900

Students, supporters hand-deliver resolution

By Virginia Kiddy

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Published: Sunday, February 28, 2010

Updated: Sunday, February 28, 2010
DREAM



Debbie Laurens graduated from Lake Howell High School with a 4.0 GPA, AP and honors classes and enough scholarships to cover all her college costs, but a month before graduation she discovered she wouldn’t be able to go.


“It’s embarrassing,” Laurens said. “I’ve been out of high school for three years and have nothing to show for it.”

Laurens was 6 months old when her parents brought her to America from Venezuela. They were visiting on a travel visa but decided to not return to their country, illegally overstaying their visa, Laurens said.

Though her two younger sisters were born here and are U.S. citizens, Laurens is an undocumented immigrant, meaning she can’t drive, work or pay taxes.

While some institutions may allow undocumented students to attend school, she lost her scholarships and can’t continue her education. She lives with a friend’s family in Winter Springs.

“The most important thing to me was my education,” Laurens said. “It’s the most important thing to all of us. And even though I couldn’t work or drive, that really sucked too, but I didn’t think they could take away the education.”

Laurens is working with local organizations urging legislators to sponsor and support the DREAM Act in Congress. She helps table outside the UCF Student Union, raising student awareness.

The DREAM Act would permit high school graduates who immigrated to the U.S. before they were 16 years old to gain conditional residency contingent upon military service or attending college for two years. The idea is that children should not be punished for the transgressions of their parents, Laurens said.

“What are we supposed to do? We’re young adults that could be a benefit to the economy, and we’re just taking up space,” Laurens said. “We can’t go back to a country we don’t know.”

An estimated 65,000 undocumented students graduate from high schools nationally each year, according to the Urban Institute.

UCF’s Student Government Association passed Resolution 42-11 showing the university’s support of the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors Act on Feb. 4. Line 25 reads: “The University of Central Florida would be enriched by welcoming deserving, talented, hard-working young immigrants and allowing these students to realize their educational dreams.”

UCF students and other supporters gathered Friday near Lake Eola and walked to Sen. Bill Nelson’s Orlando office to hand-deliver a copy of the SGA resolution.

Dante John Terminello, an economics major who has already received a marketing degree from UCF, is one of the students who delivered the resolution. He is part of the Orlando Farmworker Supporters, which helped start the Orlando DREAM Act Coalition. He, with others, helped to get the resolution passed at UCF.

“The resolution is more symbolic you know; it doesn’t actually change anything at UCF,” Terminello said.

Supporters are taking the resolution to legislators around the state and are able to say that the third largest undergraduate university in the nation supports the act, Terminello said.

More than a dozen people, including UCF students, local high schoolers, undocumented immigrants and other supporters from the area crowded into Nelson’s office in two rotations presenting the resolution and lobbying their causes to his staff. Some groups presented information about comprehensive immigration reform, which includes the DREAM Act.

The organizations represented included the UCF Colombian Student Association, which sponsored the SGA resolution, Students Working for Equal Rights, the Orlando Farmworker Supporters, the Orlando DREAM Act Coalition, and the Youth and Young Adult Network of the National Farm Worker Ministry, known as YAYA.

Lisa Marshall, deputy director of constituency services, and Peggy Gustave, constituent advocate, accepted the folders from the demonstrators and said they’d pass them along to Washington.

“What you’re doing is not in vain,” Marshall said to the group.

Nelson is one of 33 senators co-sponsoring the DREAM Act, but the group traveled to his office to urge him to take a leadership role.

“We just need him to take a lead on it, to actually do something about it, which hasn’t happened,” said Carolina Agudelo, a UCF junior political science major, Colombian Student Association event coordinator and YAYA treasurer.

In a statement, Marshall said, “It remains unclear when the senate judiciary committee will take up the issue.”

The DREAM Act was introduced in Congress in 2001, but failed by eight votes in 2007.
“If you grew up here in the U.S., you work hard, you should be able to go to school,” Terminello said.

Third Story - Not So Wise After All

Alright, so I ended up procrastinating about this blog entry - AGAIN.
I had meant to write some stuff down on Wednesday night, or Thursday during the day, but in all honesty, I had just gotten my wisdom teeth surgery done and I was in a LOT of pain, and mostly drugged up from my very strong pain medicine, so I ended up just sorta acting like a zombie the entire time, and didn't even finish packing for my trip until after my friends were already there to pick me up. I made them wait and felt super bad and what-not, but man... I simply cannot put into words what I felt when I saw them... really THERE.

In any case, it's already Sunday night (technically Monday morning, since it's past midnight, but in all honesty I get annoyed at that - it's not the next day until I sleep and wake up, damn it!), and I guess I've forgotten some details because so many days have passed, but I'll still try to re-tell what's happened since then.
(Btw, did you guys like the little "filler" poem I posted on wednesday? Hahaha. A friend of mines from the DAP forum wrote it, I believe, and posted it for us, and I loved it so much that I asked if I could re-post it here. I did it right before leaving the house to get my surgery done, btw.)

Alright, so... surgery didn't work on Monday, I have absolutely NO memory of what I did Tuesday - possibly because it was nothing at all aside from sitting on the computer and wasting my life away - and Wednesday came...
I woke up a bit later than what I had originally planned, about ten or fifteen minutes before 11am, but when I got up I only found Carlos, my sister's boyfriend, in her room. Upon asking where she was at, he said she had literally just walked out the door to go to work. I panicked a bit, cuz I was like... "Wait... she was supposed to take me to the dentist today. She told me she had the day off, too... wth?", to which Carlos shrugged and said he didn't know anything about that, just that she had left for work. I was like, "Great...", tried calling her, but she didn't pick up because she was probably already working, so I was already starting to panic, cuz I ONLY had that day to get the surgery done... but thankfully Carlos was nice enough to offer to take me.
I had already started to get frustrated and a bit angry at the fact that my sister would do that to me - I mean, she had the day off, I saw it on her schedule, I made sure... I checked with her Sunday night, which is when she gets her schedule changed every week. And after the whole Monday debacle, she DID tell me to re-schedule for Wednesday. Then all of a sudden she got work (I never even bothered to ask her about this), and she didn't even bother to let me know she wouldn't be able to take me. I mean, it's already bad enough that she didn't take my surgery seriously enough, but on top of that she didn't even care to give me any satisfaction. I mean, wth.
It bothered me, but by that point I was already so fed up with all of that, I didn't wanna have any more frustration, so when Carlos offered to take me, I just got the matter out of my head and simply forgot about it. Hey, wtf, as long as I was getting it done, I didn't give a damn how I was getting there.

In any case, I took my shower, got ready, went to the clinic at around 3pm, paid in advance (figured I probably wouldn't be in a stable enough condition to get it done afterwards), and had my phone out the entire time until we got started...
I'm not gonna get into many details about the process, just that I didn't get morphine, only local anesthesia, so I was awake throughout the whole thing... and I *hate* needles... and that I ended up making a fool of myself in that clinic and screamed quite a lot... but it was mostly cuz I was scared to death about the whole thing. -_-; Can't help some things.
Other than that, he worked pretty quickly. My entire jaw and lower lip were completely numb and I couldn't feel them at all, it was pretty uncomfortable. My lips got really dry and were bleeding for some reason, I'm thinking cuz I got so nervous o_O; Well, he got the teeth out pretty quickly, the right side was a bit more tricky, and he kept applying a LOT of pressure, which made my jaw hurt, and I complained and yelled a lot, haha... when the tooth came out, it slipped and I almost choked on it O_< But yea, both of them came out whole, he didn't have to crack them or part them in pieces or anything, so that was good. I guess it made everything easier.
I got my pain medication prescription from the doctor, a paper explaining how I should care for my mouth in the next week or so, etc etc, the nurse was suuuuuper nice. I was a bit out of it so I ended up hugging her before I left hahaha. Carlos took me back home cuz the meds had to be made and it would take 20+min. I was frustrated about that, cuz the anesthesia was slowly fading away and the pain from the two open wounds in my mouth was settling in pretty horribly. Now, I was never one to cry for physical pain, and I easily think emotional shit is worse, but having two holes freshly open in the back of my mouth did end up taking three or four tears outta me, I can't lie, hahaha.
The worst part of the whole thing was the blood - I didn't stop spitting out blood for about two days haha - and how bad my mouth smelled thanks to it. It was super annoying.
My sister was actually beginning to be nice to me and such, when I came home after my surgery. I couldn't really swallow the Tylenol she tried to give me until my meds were ready, so I just went to bed and passed out until around 9pm when she woke me up to eat, cuz I hadn't eaten anything since morning. I thought she had made the soup, but turned out her boyfriend was the one taking care of me again -_- I didn't mind, it was pretty sweet, and he seemed genuinely concerned, specially for someone whom he has no responsibility to. I sorta just skipped the thought that it made me feel like he was caring more for me than my sister was. I thought she was being nice and all, waking me up to make sure I was taking my pain medicine, but that actually didn't last for long. Bleh. I was expecting too much. By Thursday night (my friends weren't there to pick me up yet), she was already yelling at me and expecting me to do stuff, and calling me names (a.k.a. bitch)...
I don't even remember exactly what happened, it had something to do with my trip and her being mad that I was still going, but it's not worth trying to remember. It'll just frustrate me again.
But eventually I did get my meds - some powerful stuff, I tell ya - and I was pretty out of it for quite a while, so I never got to write in here the entry I had meant to. ~shrug~

So, I decided that even though I have a lot to write about, I'm just gonna go ahead and make separate posts for each thing. This one was so I could complete the wisdom teeth surgery story, then I'll just go ahead and write another one about this weekend where I don't need to worry about making it too damn long and write everything I need to.
I'm trying to write this all down tonight because tomorrow's already Monday, I'm going back to my place to get my stitches out and pick up my dog so I can head up to O-town, which, in my head, will be the start of a completely different story already.
And if I wait any longer, I'll just keep on piling up these stories and never writing them, haha.
There's also the fact that I'm not even sure when I'll have a chance to get to a computer again. I mean, my friend whose place I'm staying at probably has his computer, but it's probably in his room, and he lives with his girlfriend and all, so if that's the case, I won't be able to write at night like I am now, and I don't really plan on spending too much time at home during the day.
~shrug~
I get worried about so much shit so easily, ugh. I really need to stop that.
In any case, point made, I should really try to finish writing about this weekend by tonight, because I might not get another chance anytime soon.

So, yeah.
~twirls thumbs awkwardly~

Filler - I Am An American

I am the McDonald double Cheese Burger
I am the Starbucks white chocolate Mocha
I am the Strawberry tootsie roll pop

I am the Los Angeles Lakers
I am the New Orleans Saints
I am the New York Yankees

I am the Walmart when I save money
I am the Disneyland when I have fun
I am the Public University when I attain a higher education

I am a dreamer through love and hope
I am a public servant through loyalty and respect
I am a believer through faith and patience

I am the Eagle
I am the Democracy
And I am the resource

I am the land of opportunity
I am the water of freedom
I am the soil of knowledge

You see, I am who I am
I am an American



----- by Gateway89

Second Story - Post Breakdown

I meant to write here while I was still in a good mood, because I knew it wouldn't last for long, but I guess I epically failed at that. Sigh.
But, alas, here I am, and here's the beginning of a new post.

First things first. I know my first post in this blog was anything but conventional, and it doesn't make much sense at all unless you're really close friends with me. But what the hell. ~shrug~ I guess that the more I write, the clearer things will become. I always end up talking about one thing or another and bringing up important points and facts from my past. I'm thinking that if I don't abandon this project, little by little most of my life might even be on here - somewhat scattered and maybe a little confusing, throughout the posts I write. So... it's whatever.
I'm not really looking to have lots of readers or to put my personal life out there for the entire world to see... I actually want as little attention as possible, which might even be an oxymoron, because you might be asking to yourself, "Why would you even publish these things on a blog, then?"
Well, in all honesty. I'm not really sure myself.
I guess I felt that just writing these things to myself doesn't really count as "venting" or "letting it out". It's still bottled in, cuz I'm the only one reading it. =/
I just felt a little bit of need to. So I did it. ~shrug~ I don't have to have an explanation for everything I do... right?

Well. Right now I have a killer headache that refuses to go away, so I'm not in a good mood. You guys get another depressing/frustrated/somewhat angry post. Ah, well.



My weekend was actually good. So that's the good part I have to tell.
After the first story I wrote here, I managed to force myself to go do some stuff I knew needed to get done. Bathed the dog, took a shower myself, cooked some food, actually ATE some of it, (somewhat) cleaned my room, vacuumed, etc. Felt better.

On Friday, I was supposed to go get a quick exam from a Brazilian dentist who works at home (with a ghetto mini-clinic inside one of his rooms), a place that I didn't feel comfortable in at all, and you can't help those things, but at the same time he was the only dentist we knew of whom I could go to, to take care of my wisdom teeth problem. So I gave in and went along with the plan, cuz something is better than nothing, and beggars can't be choosers, I understand that well.
But we had been calling him and leaving him messages since the day before and he never answered or called back. By Friday early afternoon, when I was taking a nap thanks to the constantly-pounding headache I always seem to have these days, he finally called back. Sister and I talked to him, explained it was somewhat of an emergency and how I needed these teeth taken out as soon as possible, but he said he was going on a mini trip for some sort of holidays or whatnot, and that he had other people to see all of the week he comes back, so that I'd have to wait until after that to get examined and have an idea of how much it would even cost me to get these pulled out.
I gotta be honest, when I'm in pain I get very impatient and easily angered. This guy frustrated me too much, so I had to give the phone to my sister before I told him to go "tomar no cú" and that I was very well capable of finding some other dentist who'd be a better professional.
I stormed back to my computer, completely disillusioned and frustrated, because I honestly had no idea how I'd find an affordable dentist who wouldn't ask for insurance, or something like that... the place I live at really sucks for these things.
I started my search the most common way possible, and the only one I knew of, on Google, LoL. I looked all around, found more useful websites, got phone numbers, called several places, and as the hours passed by my headache only worsened and I only got more disheartened. I actually did end up finding a place eventually, and I guess that if you look at it and consider the rest, it wasn't so bad after all. A clinic down by the next city, $75 dollars for an exam and two x-rays, and $550 dollars for the extraction of two teeth, with local anesthesia. The lady I talked to over the phone was real nice and sweet, also said that if I come back for the actual surgery within two weeks of the day of my exam, they'll count the $75 dollars of the exam towards the $550 for the extraction, so I'll be paying $475 instead. She told me I won't find a better deal than that, and I believe her.

Somehow convinced my sister to take me there before the clinic closed at 5:30 (it was already 4 o'clock), because she was completely unwilling to go. Of course the entire trip there was nothing short of unpleasant, and the way back was even more because we always find a way to fight. I guess I should stop writing down so many useless details, the way there and back didn't really matter much. She just talked on about her son, her plans to find a way to bring him here, and how she was even willing to get to the point of paying someone to kill Roger (her son's father) so she could be able to have him with her. I didn't really have a comment to that. I guess that when you become a mother, you're willing to do a lot of stuff you wouldn't have done before. She commented about how she was "dried up" now, and how she didn't feel anything for anyone anymore (should I assume this somewhat explains her bestial behavior towards me? I don't know), and I simply and honestly commented that she shouldn't have waited until things were at such an extreme point before doing SOMETHING about it. She didn't have an answer.

Well, got to the clinic, it went pretty smoothly, got two x-rays of my bottom wisdom teeth, and found out they've grown in straight and pretty, making the extraction a fairly easy job. Paid %75 for the exam and got into a fight with my sister - still inside the clinic - about why I didn't want to get the extraction done right then and there, instead of waiting until next week.
My various points were that I needed to call my step father first to tell him about the price and how I'll be paying for it (he made me promise, and I guess that as long as it's just his spare money, I can accept the help), that one of my friends was coming to spend the weekend with me and would be there that same night, and well, my fear. It sounds simple, but I couldn't bring myself to explain it to her - not like she'd understand it anyway. I'm so freaked out about getting these teeth pulled, I can't understand it myself. I'm just really scared.
But she asked about my friend (let's call him N.) who was coming to see me, I reminded her I had told her beforehand and that she had been ok with it. She asked me if he had been the one who sent me roses, I answered yes. She then proceeded to tell me, without half a second to think about what she was saying, that I'd be sleeping in her room with her and not in the same room as him.

My response was nothing short of this, exactly:
"HAHAHA! Umm... excuse me?"

She babbled on about some more nonsense that I didn't bother to listen to - specially since she kept talking in English in a loud voice when I had already calmly asked her to speak in Portuguese so to not be ridiculous and make a scene for the whole clinic. I just turned my back to her and left. Long story short, she just kept pressing my buttons, specially about my friend (who really IS just a friend, and she didn't bother to consider that before assuming I'd be sleeping with him) and I had to remind her that I'm a healthy twenty-year-old woman who's no longer a virgin by a long shot, who's used to living on her own and who's had at least a few men sleep in bed by her, without the need to ask for permission from anyone. So clearly she'd not be the one to change my lifestyle and take away the freedom I grew up having.
The argument died soon after and the rest of the way home was silent.


I realize I should've probably not waited this long to write in my blog again, because now it feels like the daily events got cramped up and made the post longer than it should be. I guess it's a learning process after all. I need to get into the habit of writing more often.

Continuing, my friend N. got to my place at just two or three minutes past midnight, it was a four-hour long drive after all, and upon seeing him it dawned on me that I have, in fact, been in isolation for about four months and have not seen a single familiar face (besides my sister's) in that long.
We hugged, his first commented upon letting me go was how much thinner I looked and felt, and how the bags under my eyes had gotten just that much worse. The only thing he was missing to complete the package, really, was how pale I am too, haha! Sorta caught me by surprise because I guess it was still a bit of a shock to hear that from someone else's mouth other than my own.
Well, I get caught up in details too easily. Basically, it was a blessing to have N. here with me for those two days. I felt very embarrassed in the beginning, about my state of depression, but it wasn't hard to actually feel better with company around me. He hung out and talked a lot, went to the mall and I scored a new memory card for my phone (and now I can use it as an MP3 player! Yeah! I need to remember to upload more songs in it.), ate at Olive Gardens, just drove around. The next day we went to Publix, and cooked some delicious chicken legs at home. Driving around in his car made me feel like I had a little piece of my old life back with me. It saddened me, but I was also glad to remember what it felt like. And to let me know how much I want it back.
I'm still very confused about what to do with this situation. I'm still very tied down and my options are very limited.

All in all, N. left on Sunday night, it was a sad good-bye, but I told myself that I tried my best to make him feel like the long trips back and forth were worth it and that he was happy here. I feel happy and relieved to know that I have people like him in my life, who are willing to spend so much money and time on a long-distance trip for the exchange of seeing me again for two days.
I can only say that I must've done something right to deserve friends who'll help me in absolutely any way I might need. And with that thought in mind, I could keep a smile on my face.





That Sunday night my sister got home from work with her new schedule, and we settled that the next day, Monday, we'd go to get this surgery done. It was the most convenient time, since it would give me at least a few days to recover before my road trip Thursday night.
I woke up and called the clinic, to let them know I'd be coming in a bit later for my surgery, and they said whichever time would be fine. Went to get sister out of bed, to which I did not receive a good reaction and had her snap at me. She was in a bad mood because it turned out that it was the day of her son's birthday, who's still in Brazil. I understood her pain and said nothing back. She replied she would get ready to take me only later on, so I left and didn't bother her again. Took my shower, did my thing as slowly as I could. By three thirty pm I found her sitting outside still in her pajamas, laptop on her legs, cigarette in one hand, cellphone on the other. I told myself to not get annoyed and act as polite and as nice as possible. In a soft voice I asked if she'd be getting ready soon. Her response was still quite snappy but I disregarded it. Said she'd only go get ready at about four thirty. I argued that'd be too late, seeing as the clinic closes at five thirty, and the surgery takes anywhere from one hour to possibly three. She tried to argue with me that it wouldn't matter to get there late, and I tried to explain that didn't make sense, we couldn't simply expect the doctor to stay after hours, that's very rude and unprofessional, besides they'd probably reschedule the surgery if we got there so late. She didn't really stop to listen to me, just went on to say, in a higher volume, that it was her son's birthday and that she was going to talk to him. I didn't answer, closed the door, and went back to my room.
About a good half to an hour later, she opens my door (still in her pajamas) to accuse me of not caring about my only nephew's birthday, guilt trip me about the situation, and of course, call me selfish and self centered, pointing out that I thought the world revolved around my bellybutton.
I gave her my best "WTF" look, complete with hand gesture and all, because I simply didn't have words to answer her. She left that note, and a guilt-filled me behind.
I changed back into my stay-at-home attire and pondered my mood and everything that had happened so far, when at about 5:15pm she asked me if I was ready to go. I answered there was no more time, the clinic was closing in fifteen minutes, I mean, really? She tried to argue with me about it, so I just answered that I had called them and they had said it was too late. That shut her up and I went to walk my dog in peace.

I always end up asking myself all these questions, specially if all this is really my fault. If I really am as uncaring, as dry, as selfish, as useless, as they tell me I am. If I really do look at only myself and forget about others, without even realizing.
I couldn't help but remember the time when she got her wisdom teeth pulled, and how she had someone to pay all the costs for her, and someone to take care of her every second of the post-surgery complications, and how everything was her way for about two weeks, and how she used that time to be in as bad a mood as she pleased without anyone to say a word against it.
Sigh.
Of course things can't be the same, or fair. They are never that way in life.


I am left to wait for Wednesday to get my surgery done, and pray that I will be well enough to travel by Thursday night, because God knows I'll be leaving whether I am healthy enough to leave my bed or not. I -need- to.
On that note, later that same Monday night my sister called me into her room to launch one last spiteful comment at me. Asked me if I was still up for my trip, if I knew how this surgery would go, and if I knew that there was a chance of my mouth opening back up and me getting hemorrhage. Also not failing to mention that that she "almost died" when she got hers pulled out. No lie, I had to contain myself from rolling my eyes at that absurd comment. In the end she made a point to add that I should not even THINK about calling her in case anything were to happen to me in my trip.
I gave her my thumbs up and walked back into my room, sighing to myself.

I slept the rest of that afternoon away thanks to the pounding and incessant headache, but at least that was a good way to make time pass by faster.

Today nothing much else happened, she worked all day and I procrastinated about all the little things I had to do, like making sure everything for the trip is ready and set to go.

Talked to my friend S. about some psychology (the subject I want to major in college) and the default pattern and behaviors of dysfunctional families around the globe, and heard, not for the first time, that I should probably leave my family's influence as soon as possible if I have any hopes of getting better and progressing in life. Specially if I'm this unhappy and I've made such severe stepping back thanks to them.



Now, I actually gave some few very close in-real-life friends access to this blog and to my first post. One of them is the friend who's picking me up Thursday, R.
I wasn't exactly prepared for her reaction, so I didn't know how to act.

How can I put this.

She wants me to throw everything I own in the back of her car, take my puppy in my arms, say my goodbyes, and leave her for good to never come back.
But the thing is that she is 110% serious about that plan.

Tonight I called her and we talked a bit more about this situation. I feel awkward. I can't help it. I was asking myself what reason I had to share this blog with my close friends, that was like bluntly asking for help. And now...

I'm scared.


I want to get out of here so bad. I know I need to. I know how much I want to say goodbye to never look back.
But how is that any close to possible at the time? I'm so tied down.
I don't have a job in the city where I came from. I obviously will be very short on money by tomorrow, seeing as I'm paying for my own surgery, and I can't count on my step father's help. If he doesn't have the money he doesn't have the money, and God knows I'm the last person who'd ask for any.

I kept thinking and worrying about things. Although I felt shy and bad about being a huge burden on my friends, I did talk to R. on the phone about it a bit. I explained how it's unrealistic to expect to stay at any friends' houses for an indefinite period of time without the guarantee of a job, or even a way around town to find one. So as much as I want to throw my entire room in the back of her car and just beat it, I know I need to be more sensible. This is a delicate situation... I constantly feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and my next move could either save me or finish drowning me.

She's assertive, though, and sounds like she knows exactly what should be done and how. She had no doubts in her voice when I asked if I should bring my puppy to Orlando with me and the answer was absolutely. That I should at least bring as much as I could fit in a large suitcase, so that I'll at least have my necessities in Orlando with me, in case I find a way to be able to stay. Make things easier for them to help me get away from... this, whatever it could be called.

At some point, she voiced her concern for my well-being and her willingness to help, move, drive, pick me up, anything, to get me out of this situation and back into a city where I'll be close to people I know, people who love me and who'll make sure I'm alright and care for me.

We hung up soon after that, but.



I actually sat down and cried. Hugged my legs close to me, my head on my knees, and just... cried.

Like I haven't done in a while, actually.

Because she said "where you'll be close to people you know, people who love you and who'll make sure you're alright and take care of you".
And what hurts the most is remembering my sister's words, how she said that friends won't help me or feed me or take care of me.


And my inner question, then.

If my friends won't care for me, and my family even less, then who?...



It felt good to cry. To feel vulnerability in the tears rolling down my cheeks. And the comfort of being alone and unwatched, protected from being reached in such a weak state. Being able to BE that weak, for that instant.


My worries are far from faded. My problems far from solved. My mind... far from fixed.

But my hope is still far from being gone, and I think that I will feel much better when I'm in the company of the people I love and miss so much.

I'm sorry for clinging. I'm sorry for yet once again, needing to be helped. I'm sorry for my weakness, for my vulnerability, for my complete lack of capacity to fix and control my own life by myself.

I can only hope and fight for a better tomorrow when I'll be able to be the person I want to be, and show my gratitude for everything my friends have ever done for me.


Because I would be a huge block of nothing without them.

First Story - Follow Up

Note: This is only going to make sense if you've already read the previous post.

Why is it almost nighttime already? It feels like the entire day was wasted.
Well, at least it passed by so quickly. That's a rarity these days, when time seems to be stopped, and I constantly wake up wishing for the next day to be over already.

I wasn't expecting my sister to be home so early. I thought she was working until at least eight or nine, but I guess I got her schedule wrong.
I was in the middle of washing the dishes - HER dishes - because of this morning and how bad and useless I felt, when she walked in the door carrying a box of pizza (ew...).
I was sorta caught by surprise, cuz honestly the last thing I wanted was to be caught doing the dishes, I can't really explain why. I just didn't want her to see me doing them. Plus I felt oh so very awkward, so I guess I might've looked sorta weird when I said a sheepish "hi".

Well, anyway, enough of useless details. The point is that shortly after she got home, while I was still working on the sink, she started nagging me about a job again. Said she was trying to get me a job at the same place she's working at, an Italian restaurant not so far from here, which I find very improbable, because they don't hire without papers there (and my sister's in process for Residency, so she can actually work).
We ended up fighting about it.
"We're low on money, you know", she said.

"And how is that even my fault?", I replied. I don't buy shit for myself. I don't go out places. I don't spend any money AT ALL. Hell, I don't even fucking eat that much.

"I'm not saying it is, but... How about if I don't wanna pay for your stuff anymore? What if I refuse?"

I was SO baffled when I heard that, I couldn't believe my ears. At least I didn't stay quiet out of surprise, and actually let out:
"Excuse me? What SHIT do you pay for me?"

And she pauses for just a split second, but nonetheless long enough for me to notice the hesitation, and replies.
"Well, I was going to pay for your dentist tomorrow!"

"HAH! Really? You can't be fucking serious."
What I actually mean when I said that, is "You can't be fucking serious you're playing that card with me NOW, after everything I've heard you say this morning. You're not really gonna pay for shit for me, and even if you were, I wouldn't want it, because you'll just throw it in my face later on."
Besides, how much does she think the surgery's gonna be, anyway? A hundred bucks? Please. Whatever.

She continues.
"I really was!"

"Well, too bad, because I've already made up my mind to pay for it MYSELF, so thanks but no thanks."

As to which she doesn't answer and storms back into her room.

I finish washing the dishes with frustration, and end my job actually feeling worse than when I started it.

And to think that I had started it in hopes of feeling better.